A Grown-Up Post

What is the scariest thing to be a grown-up?
I'll vote for one: Making your own decisions. Why? Because it is extremely hard and almost impossible.
However, I don't think you can call someone an adult if he can not make his own decisions.

I decided to write about being a grown-up as my comeback post (cie elah) because I am still stuck in my confusion of being an adult. Only now have I just realized how hard it is to try to grow up and be a real grown-up women. Often I am confused both with my limited choices and the numerous amounts of alternatives I can pick up. Each with its consequences. Nothing is really good or bad, right or wrong. I can not even trust my own senses because I feel like they can deceive me. Or maybe it is because I am never really sure what I want. The point is being an adult is scary.

On the other hand, being an adult is inevitable. I have to do it. I can not just lie down, wait for my boss, my parents, my friends to decide my life. I can not just "let it flow" and do nothing. Why? Because time flows so damn fast and as you grow older, you can't deny the fact that you have more limited opportunities to go get your dreams.

So again, I have to take my chances to be an adult and I screwed up at the beginning (I still am). From the simplest decision, such as deciding what to wear tomorrow, deciding whether I want to stay or resign from my job, to choosing to reject or accept my true self. Those are the decisions I have to deal every day and none of it is easy.

Last week I heard a good speech by Lisa Kudrow (starred as Phoebe in Friends) that really hit me hard. She said "...the 20s the are a that time in your life when you're really getting acquainted to self-doubt when there's so much seemingly at stake. So let me reassure you. It's not supposed to be easy. You're supposed to have moments of uncertainty about which path to take because the 20s are full of crossroads. When one door closes, another door always opens." That's when I scream to myself: YES.

What is also hard about being an adult is not just the decisions that you have to take, but also to control yourself. Your overflowing emotions, your self-doubts, your uncertainties. You need a clear mind and a peaceful, calm feelings to make the right decisions. And again, it is not easy to clear up your heads when there are so many things happen around you, esp in your 20s. You will have failures, you will have haters and backstabbers, you will get your heart broken, you will lose some friends, and you will fall even more below that you have ever imagined. BUT, you will also rise up, get back on your feet, stand tall, you will have supporters from those who love you, you will have time to heal your wounds, you will gain true friends, and you will find courage and strength inside you to start it all over again. So yeah, it is not easy, but these experiences will make us better and stronger as a human, only if we can see the positive sides.

I am not saying that I am already an adult now. I am still learning. Hard. Sometimes the decision that I have to take requires me to give up another dream in order to pursue other things that I don't even know if that will eventually be better than the initial ones. It does hurts. But, that is the beauty of life:that you keep going, you make mistakes but you don't let it to stop you from living, and eventually you survive.

All in all, let's try of being an adult, survivors! Just so you know: if you find it nearly impossible, you are not alone :)

Death and Life

Have you watched the currently-hip-series 13 Reasons Why? I have, and it seriously makes me think about death.

13 Reasons Why is a story of Hannah Baker who committed suicide and left a box of tapes to her friends, the ones who, according to her, had caused her to commit suicide. And the rest of the story is based on how Clay Jensen, one of her classmates, who you can see clearly, had a crush on Hannah, listened to the tapes and learned the truth that would change his life forever. 

Watching the series makes me think about death. Relax, I am not planning to commit suicide or am having any depression like Hannah. I'm just thinking, what would it be, if I die? Will anyone, besides my family, cry or just genuinely feel sad? What would they think of me? It's so unfortunate that she died young. Or, poor little girl, she could've had a tremendous future. What would they feel about it? Sad? Surprised? Pity? I'm so dead curious about it.

I used to be afraid of dying. I think I am still so young, I have a lot of potentials, I have my dreams, places to travel to, things to try, clothes to buy, food to eat, etc.
I am so scared of dying before I even have the chance to do all of those things I want.
That fear of dying makes me forget to live.
I forgot that the life I am living right now, is a luxury itself.
It is my only chance to achieve the ultimate goal of my life: To be happy.
So now, I am not afraid of dying.
Not because I think I have lived a fulfilling life. No, I am still working on it.
But because I want to be happy and grateful of the life I am living.
I know when I look back, I have done nothing great, but a lot of mistakes instead. There are also loads of things I want to achieve in this life.
So whatever it is, I want to work on it, whether to reflect on my mistakes and do better, or do things to achieve my dreams.
I want to live each day, as it is the last day of my life. Thus, when I get tired of this life, chasing things with no guarantee I will earn it someday, I can always look back, and be proud of what I have done in order to live well and right.
And finally, when it is really the last day of my life, I will not regret it as much as I would.

I feel sometimes, I have all the time in the world. Sometimes, I think I am running out of time.
Often, I feel so alive, yet dead inside.
I feel content but I wipe my tears at nights.
I scream in joy while crying my heart out.
I feel life is just too good to be true, but at the same time I am disappointed in life because it's never fair.
Sometimes I am so full of energy that I tire myself out.
And sometimes shit happens.
That's fine. That's life. C'est la vie.

You can never please everyone. Everyone, including yourself.
You are your biggest critic.
Forgive yourself and make peace with life.
Because, as I have said in my previous post, life is never fair, and it never will be.
So why taking up so many time of your life of hating yourself, when you can be happy at that very same time?

To those who are having a hard time to live and love themselves,
(I'm not gonna tell you: you're beautiful, precious, or strong, because it is soooo mainstream and I believe you already know how fabulous you are).
Cheer up, people! You are not struggling alone.
Life sucks parce que c'est la vie.

I Cut My Bangs

Last week I cut my bangs but I am not going to tell you the details about my bangs and how it looks like. No, I ain't got anything to share about the stylish side of my bangs. Instead, I am going to share some thoughts about how cutting my bangs gives me this kind of deep thought about life (haha!).

So, I cut my bags last week. Many people asked me why suddenly I cut my hair and gave myself a totally different look. The truth is, it was not that sudden. I am a quite a planner and thinker. It takes me weeks to think whether I am going to buy a pair of shoes or not. Moreover, this is about my hair. I have thought about it since last year, googled it every night, asked for opinions from hairdressers, family, friends, and colleagues. The point is, I took me quite a long time before I finally gathered my courage to cut my bangs.

Since I was in junior high school, I know that having a bad haircut is every girl's nightmare. I remember cutting my hair into a bob haircut and I couldn't sleep just because I was scared of entering my classroom in the morning and turned out my classmates did not like my haircut. Well, actually it was not "they did not like my new haircut" but it was more "they gave negative comments about my new haircut" that terrified me the most. I think it is going to be nicer that even though they do not like my new haircut, they ignore it, and keep silent about it. But you can't stop it. Here, people like to talk about each other, and a new haircut is everyone's favorite.

The same thing is happening to me now. The difference is, I am already ready about whatever people are going to say about my bangs. At least, I told myself so. However, it was not easy. I have received quite a lot of diverse comments ever since I cut my bangs and some comments are still too hard to swallow.

After finding a good moment to reflect to myself, I realized that I should not be angry or upset about what people say about my bangs or my life. First, it is their rights to give comments about anything, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Second, it is MY LIFE. My decision. You know, people are going to either love you or hate you. So, why don't you do anything you want to do in your life? Without being afraid of what others may think or talk about? I know it's hard when our definition of success and happiness is being defined by the society. But let's try with ourselves, our life, and our own definition of being happy :)

I cut my bangs last week and I am thrilled to see how cutting my bangs lead me to this kind of thought :p
And I wouldn't have done it without ALL of those comments (thanks guys!)
Anyone disagree of me having bangs? Don't worry. You'll get used to it :)
Happy weekend everyone!

A Bubbly Diary

Found some old pieces of writing in my laptop. Thought I'd post it here, just for a reminder about how I felt on that day. Here they are....

September 17^th, 2015 

As I  was searching for ideas for my final project, listening clearly to this Disney song Part of the World. And suddenly this thought came through. That my life goes on really fast, and all I can do is just realizing how much time that I have missed. How many opportunities gone in a flash of light. I am now 23 and I don’t even know what I really want to do in life.

One statement from Uber driver that I rode yesterday morning tickled me, he said: I always said to my daughters who are now in college, do not attempt high for career, but first find yourself a good man. Once you find a responsible and good-mannered man, your life will be like in heaven. This goes in ryhtm with what one of my seniors said: be careful if you focus too much on your career, time goes fast and suddenly boom! You’re almost 30 and you realize that you’re still alone.

I see that those comments have points. Maybe all I need right now is a good man. After all, I am just an ordinary woman who would love get married, have children, raise them, and enjoy my retirement with good pension. But how? It’s been so long since I last dated someone that I actually fond of that I don’t even know where to start (and even how to flirt).

One old friend of my mom said that: a woman however, should have freedom to choose what they want to do, and there is nothing wrong if they want to aim higher in career, then she is good enough to find herself a comparably good man as a partner. That makes more sense in my situation, I guess.

However, the reason that I start writing after long time, is that I hope to publish this someday. Maybe juts on my blog, but I feel like I have to start pouring my thoughts and ideas. Who knows that someday they might be heard and accomplished.

A colleague had once this passion assessment done to me, and he said that I should be working in creative industry. He said that I should start writing my ideas, because he saw my potential to be a script-writer. He also encouraged me to start joining communities as it may help me to reach what I actually want to do in life. So lately, I’ve been thinking about it and I decided to give it a try. I even think to study literature/art/films abroad. I mean, dream while you can still dream, take risks while you’re still young. Because when you get old, you have the tendency to avoid risks and play safe.

I honestly don’t know if this writing will be a piece of rubbish or will it become true. Well, we’ll see J

September 24th, 2015 

I guess it is the mixture of homesick, sick all of this project, and not knowing what to do. I know I shouldn’t feel sick about my work. I should be grateful instead, because many of my friends and relatives are struggling to find jobs, and working in one of the biggest company in Indonesia, surrounded by nice and helpful colleagues, I should be thankful, not grumpy, right?

I guess it’s homesick, then. I miss home. Period. No explanation needed. I miss hanging out with my family, only four of us. I miss little fights we do at home. I miss debating with my mom. I even miss her questioning me about my love life, which is annoying sometimes. I miss my parents scold me about waking up early and doing my chores at home. But what should I do? I will only go back home in December for about a week. And I realize that it is my own choice to move to Jakarta and go for a better career. My dad has offered and directed me to stay and work at my hometown, but I refused it.

I was taking that decision because I want to prove and show everyone that I am a NOT homy, introverted, shy girl who is afraid to take risks. This time I AM TAKING THE CHANCE. Because I realize there are so many opportunities that I have turned down, because I think I don’t deserve it, I cant do it, I have limitations, I am not that good, and other bullshit reasons.

So that is my own choice, but I never know it would be this heavy for me to handle it alone. So I guess it’s normal for me to miss home. And I miss home. So much. Period. 

And I still miss my home now :)

The Privilege of Being "Anak Kos"

Saya tidak menyangka akan menulis tentang hal ini dua tahun yang lalu. Rasanya baru kemarin saya keliling kompleks dan keluar masuk gang untuk mencari kamar kos yang senyaman mungkin. Dasar baru pertama kali ngekos, setiap kamar kos yang saya kunjungi rasanya selalu aja ada yang kurang, mungkin karena perbandingannya adalah kamar saya di rumah yang sudah saya tinggali selama 10 tahun lebih.

Masih teringat jelas susahnya pindahan, susahnya nyari lokasi di kamar yang kenceng sinyalnya, betenya kalau shower tiba-tiba mampet, sedihnya kalau pas hujan dan lagi ngga nyimpen makanan di kos, keselnya kalau baju cucian kita ketuker sama kamar sebelah, dan banyak alasan yang bikin saya mempertanyakan keputusan saya untuk tinggal jauh dari orang tua, jadi anak rantau, dan jadi anak kos.

But now when I look back on those moments, there are more reasons I am grateful to be "anak kos". 
Jadi anak kos bikin saya akrab sama temen-temen saya sesama MT yang ngekos juga, karena pulang kantor kami biasanya makan malam bareng, olahraga bareng, bahkan belajar bareng buat kuis. Saya sering ngebayangin seandainya saya ngga nge-kos, after office langsung pulang, pulang malem dikit ditanyain orang rumah, dan karena pada dasarnya saya anaknya introvert, dijamin saya akan makin lama adaptasi sama temen-temen kantor.

Jadi anak kos bikin saya tau hal-hal di luar zona nyaman saya, hal-hal yang mungkin kalau orang tua saya tau saya kemana dan ngapain aja, pasti sebisa mungkin dilarang. But again, jadi anak kos melatih saya untuk dewasa, untuk bisa ambil pertimbangan dan keputusan buat diri sendiri, termasuk untuk bisa jaga diri. Keputusan untuk hal-hal kecil dan simpel, as simple as deciding what to eat today, sekarang saya harus putuskan sendiri. Dalam mengambil keputusan itu, ngga jarang saya salah, nyesel, dan khilaf. Tapi disitulah saya belajar. Bahwa setiap keputusan yang saya ambil, sekecil apapun itu, ada konsekuensi-nya. Supaya ngga salah lagi untuk kedua kalinya dan untuk mencegah saya salah ambil keputusan, saya harus belajar. This is the survival rule of being "Anak Kos".

Setelah saya belajar jadi anak kos, yang dulunya saya apatis banget soal harga belanja di supermarket, jadi harus inget dikit-dikit harga barang yang saya beli. Saya tahu kalau beli tissue di supermarket A lebih mahal, daripada di Supermarket B. Saya tahu kalau beli deterjen yang warna pink atau biru, dan lain-lain. Hal-hal yang saya yakin kalau saya ngga merantau jauh dari orang tua, I would less likely know that.

Jadi anak kos juga melatih saya untuk bertanggung jawab, kalau teledor atau ceroboh lalu barang ada yang hilang/ ketinggalan, harus bisa ngurus sendiri, repot sendiri, dan sedih sendiri (malu kalau cerita ke orang rumah, yang ada malah dimarahin). Udah jadi rahasia umum juga, kalau jadi anak kos juga artinya belajar mandiri, apalagi yang udah berpenghasilan. Jadi kalau di akhir bulan duit menipis karena kebanyakan hedon, juga harus tanggung jawab untuk ngirit entah gimana caranya bisa bertahan sampai hari gajian tanpa minta ke orang tua. Intinya, saya ngga nyangka jadi anak kos benefitnya banyak juga, mulai dari yang duniawi, jasmani, dan rohani.

Walaupun kadang masih merindukan kehangatan dan nyamannya tinggal di rumah sendiri, tapi saya ngga nyesel memilih untuk menjadi anak rantau. Because once in your lifetime, you have to try to get out of your comfort zone. No matter how comfortable that is. That is the only way you know how capable you are to conquer the outside world. Kalau saya ngga merantau ke Jakarta, saya ngga akan tahu kalau saya bisa survive sampai sejauh ini, kalau saya yang dulunya cuek dan apatis ini bisa kerja di bidang HR yang people-oriented, kalau saya yang sering remidi ulangan matematika ini bisa mengolah data statistik yang cukup rumit as part of my job description, kalau saya yang paling ngantuk saat pelajaran komputer ini bisa bikin coding macro visual basic untuk sebuah aplikasi. The point is, you will never know what you are capable of until you're being pushed to do it.

Jadi, ketika sekarang saya merasa menemukan kembali zona nyaman saya, saya tahu sekaranglah saat saya bertanya kembali pada diri saya, apakah saya mau tetap tinggal di zona nyaman ini, atau kembali mencari kesempatan dan tantangan untuk bisa membuktikan diri saya? Bukan keputusan yang mudah memang ketika kita mau ambil resiko untuk keluar dari zona nyaman, tetapi saya lebih takut menyesal ketika saya melewatkan kesempatan di usia saya yang sekarang ini, because they say, we should be making many mistakes while we are young. 

Back to our topic, selamat buat temen-temen yang punya kesempatan merantau jauh dari orang tua dan jadi anak kos, I know it is hard at first, but it will get easier somehow. I am proud to be "Anak Kos" and you should be :)

DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

I used to like the saying "Everything happens for a reason"
But, recently I wonder: what if there is no reason for something to happen?
I mean, do you need a reason to love someone?
Do you need a reason to dislike someone?
Do you need a reason to be suddenly happy?
And do you really need a reason feel bad about yourself?

When unexpected things happen in my life, and I can not understand why.
I hope, pray, and kinda wait for "A Reason" to show up and explain everything.
But when it never comes, I try to explain it myself, and wait for "Another Reason" to come up and so I can deal with everything.
But it never does.
So, what am I supposed to do? Wait again? Waiting is painful. Painful especially when do not know what are you waiting for, and when you are finished. You do not know whether you wait for a good thing to show up, or just another painful life lesson. Or is the wait itself the answer and the reason?

I do not know about you, pals but I have decided that my wait is over.
I am so done with waiting or whatever life is going to teach me about patience & endurance.
I am bound to take action with my life because I will feel so bad, not using everything I can and everything I have, to do something about my life.
Something that makes me happy, happy as a living one, content as a human being, and proud as His daughter.
For I believe that happiness is simple, but feeling happy is totally your choice.

So, if some insist to know my reasons beyond the decisions I have made or will make, there is only one: Because I, as much the same as others, want to be happy :)

The Ugly Truth

If there is a thing I realize when I am being an adult, is that "life does not work 'that' way."

And by 'that' I mean: 'that kind', 'that generous', 'that nice', 'that easy', etc. 

The point is you don't always get what you want in life.

You work so hard, but there is always someone who does better.

You be so kind, but there is always someone who is more like-able.

You give so much, but there is always someone who receives more.

You pray so often, but there is always someone who gets better luck.

Not such a surprise eh?

Life won't treat you kind. No, it won't.

Life gives you lessons. Lessons that are never be taught by your parents & teachers.

But those life lessons can be tough, they can make you crack, break down like a wall. They can tear you up, make you scream out of your lungs, cry like a baby, get you begging worse than a beggar. But life can also make you smile, wider than anything you ever know, laugh like a lunatic, and wonder what have you done in the past, that makes you lucky enough to feel all of those emotions. 

 

Life is full of surprises. Sometimes so cliche that you ever think that God may play a joke on you.

Life is impossible to be explained and understood, unless you go through it yourself.

A nice reminder not to judge on others.

Maybe I am being mellow, but if you feel that life is being hard on you, just know that you are not alone.