Why having my heart broken is one of the best thing happened to me

"How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?"

That part of a song is my favorite lyric ever. Painful yet relatable to everyone who has experienced heart broken moment. I mean, how can you not cry heart out when you sing that part?

There is nothing good at waving goodbyes to someone who hold our hearts. It definitely sucks. It makes us feel worthless, lost, defeated and pathetic. At least that's what I felt. As a melancholic, I spent days crying, wondering whys, remembering good and bad old days, planning to fix it, trying heaps of ways to move on, but none of it healed me as a person, not to mention, as a woman. That was the time when I justified the truth behind a quote saying "time heals everything". The hardest thing is we will never know when that time comes. There was a time when I felt like I moved on, but that night I dreamed of him again after such a long time. There was a time, I felt like I was fine with his new relationship, but fell to pieces when I saw his instagram posts about it, and ended up stalking his new girlfriend and comparing myself with her. God, why is this so hard?

It is only when I discovered the true value of mine that I finally found peace. Don't get too much awe, because I am still an ordinary person who can feel weak sometimes. However, I finally found the moment when I can be grateful about the heart broken experiences that I had. I felt so lucky, because having my heart broken is a strong sign that I am a bigger person to give that so much love to someone else, even if it was unrequited one. I have the rights to cry, to scream, to get hurt, and to be hopeless in the most respective way. Yet, I also have the rights to get up, to pray, and to hope for better days. I will have more chances to explore my strengths, work on my weaknesses, decide what I want in life. All in one to improve myself, to find my true happiness without depending on someone else. Having my broken heart was probably one of my saddest experience but also the best thing that happened to me. Without it, I would never know how much improvement I have to make, how much value I have, how strong I am to stand up against all the pain, and how much happy I could be with or without 'that distraction'.

It is still mournful and hurts so bad, but just like all the pain in the world, it will only make you stronger once you have overcome it. Toughen yourself up and may you have the most insightful heart-broken moments!

Dreams

What are your dreams?
I know dreams consist of driven ambitions, slight imagination, sincere prayers, and sometimes parents' encouragement.
We used to have dreams when we were little. Now, time is consuming up our lives and I wonder if your dreams have become your fear.
Aren't you afraid not to able to live up your dreams? Or are you even afraid to try? Aren't they too big for you? Don't you feel they might be out of your reach?

It's tingling and funny because as kids we never feel that way. We just dream. Freely. No pressures. We imagine things we like and wish that when we are big enough to go get it, we will. What happened to that kid? We wait a lifetime to do things we like, and then one day we decide that maybe, just maybe, that dream is not for us. We dream, we plan, and one day we just stop.

It hurts a little bit, because I know the same thing is happening to me. Reality kicks in and I am thinking of giving up. Not because I do not know how to reach it, but I just feel the obstacles and challenges are bigger than me, and I am not ready for it. I feel small, I feel old, I feel distant.

Is it possible to rewrite your dreams? I'd say yes, but I won't define mine as a dream anymore. A dream is called a dream because there is something dreamy about it, right? Mine is more like a life plan. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. Considering every failure potentials I could have. Pessimistic? Not really, just preparing for the worst. Hey, where's that little kid who'd say go get what she wants?

A lot of assumptions, but hey, maybe she just got awake and embrace the reality :)

A Birthday Wisdom

I have just celebrated my birthday, a couple of days ago. Happy birthday to me? Sure, thanks :)
I don't know why, but this time, it gave me a different feeling. On my last birthday, I felt excited but panicked at the same time. I also felt sad about getting older, feeling like I have achieved nothing in the past year. I panicked because in my quarter life age, I have to make a quick decision about my life. I feel like I should have known my life goals, what makes me happy and what doesn't. Who I want to be with, and who I don't. I panicked because I didn't even have a slightest clue about it.

This year, I feel different. I still don't know what I am going to do with my life. It doesn't feel right but instead of panicking like last year, I feel relaxed. I don't feel like I am in a rush anymore. I know rushing things are not good, and I think that instead of pushing something that does not belong with me at the moment, I should be celebrating my present life. Last year I was too busy planning and projecting my future or what I think what my future should be like. I forgot to enjoy my present moments that I was living at that time. Believe me, nothing is more regretful than having realized that your time has gone completely without you having the time to actually enjoy it.

I do believe that things will happen at MY OWN TIME. If nothing happens to you, then nothing happens FOR you. What happens to you, let it happen, sit back, relax, and enjoy the moments of your life as you know it may not happen twice. Yes, I am still freaking out sometimes, like "what if I will never find my purpose in life?", but I also realize that fear gets you nowhere. I try to eliminate that fear of being purposeless in life by being alive itself. In the end, you get only one life, so don't spend it over little things that don't count. One useful thing I have learnt is to try to stop comparing your life with others. They have their own happiness and their own struggles. Be joyful with what you have, as you know thousands of people would've never dreamt of living the life you have right now.

I know life is never easy, but it is worth to live. So please, be happy and be alive. Happy birthday to all my fellow Aries!

2018: Slow Down, Baby!

Can you believe it's 2018 already?

Too fast. Everything's changing too fast around you and sometimes you are afraid that you can not catch up with it. 

"Everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same". It almost feels like everything around you is evolving without you in it. Just like an old antique vase in the middle of high-tech living room: too fragile to be moved and too usual to be noticed.

That is when you realized that you need change. A Refreshment. Whether it is new clothes, new haircut, new hobby, or new job. You will do anything you can to fit in a fast-changing society. You think it is for the best, but the truth is: you are scared. Society is mean, baby and for those who can not fit in, will be outcast-ed. You are completely aware of that. 

So, here you are. New year, new you. At first, you will be excited. For you are sure, that you have taken a bold, courageous and the best decision for your life. Then, you will have doubts. What if the new you is still considered OLD for the society? What if the decisions you take are just impulsive and will never answer your anxiety? What if the excitement you feel is just for temporary? What if it doesn't change what you thought would be changed? What if you are wrong?

You can be wrong. It is highly likely that you are wrong. So what with being wrong? Albert Einstein once said, "A person who never made a mistake, never tried something new". So go make new mistakes, but LEARN from it and move on. Mistakes are the best experiences one can have to be a better person. So, let's not be afraid to make mistakes. At least you can say that you've tried. Whenever I have to make difficult decision in my life, I always ask myself: which decision will cause me regret more? Because when I am grey and old, I don't want to baffle with myself, looking back and regretting the decisions I am not brave enough to take. God knows, you will be having a lot of battles with life, at least have peace within yourself. 

2018, I don't ask you to be nice, just slow down a little bit, baby!