Why having my heart broken is one of the best thing happened to me

"How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?"

That part of a song is my favorite lyric ever. Painful yet relatable to everyone who has experienced heart broken moment. I mean, how can you not cry heart out when you sing that part?

There is nothing good at waving goodbyes to someone who hold our hearts. It definitely sucks. It makes us feel worthless, lost, defeated and pathetic. At least that's what I felt. As a melancholic, I spent days crying, wondering whys, remembering good and bad old days, planning to fix it, trying heaps of ways to move on, but none of it healed me as a person, not to mention, as a woman. That was the time when I justified the truth behind a quote saying "time heals everything". The hardest thing is we will never know when that time comes. There was a time when I felt like I moved on, but that night I dreamed of him again after such a long time. There was a time, I felt like I was fine with his new relationship, but fell to pieces when I saw his instagram posts about it, and ended up stalking his new girlfriend and comparing myself with her. God, why is this so hard?

It is only when I discovered the true value of mine that I finally found peace. Don't get too much awe, because I am still an ordinary person who can feel weak sometimes. However, I finally found the moment when I can be grateful about the heart broken experiences that I had. I felt so lucky, because having my heart broken is a strong sign that I am a bigger person to give that so much love to someone else, even if it was unrequited one. I have the rights to cry, to scream, to get hurt, and to be hopeless in the most respective way. Yet, I also have the rights to get up, to pray, and to hope for better days. I will have more chances to explore my strengths, work on my weaknesses, decide what I want in life. All in one to improve myself, to find my true happiness without depending on someone else. Having my broken heart was probably one of my saddest experience but also the best thing that happened to me. Without it, I would never know how much improvement I have to make, how much value I have, how strong I am to stand up against all the pain, and how much happy I could be with or without 'that distraction'.

It is still mournful and hurts so bad, but just like all the pain in the world, it will only make you stronger once you have overcome it. Toughen yourself up and may you have the most insightful heart-broken moments!

Dreams

What are your dreams?
I know dreams consist of driven ambitions, slight imagination, sincere prayers, and sometimes parents' encouragement.
We used to have dreams when we were little. Now, time is consuming up our lives and I wonder if your dreams have become your fear.
Aren't you afraid not to able to live up your dreams? Or are you even afraid to try? Aren't they too big for you? Don't you feel they might be out of your reach?

It's tingling and funny because as kids we never feel that way. We just dream. Freely. No pressures. We imagine things we like and wish that when we are big enough to go get it, we will. What happened to that kid? We wait a lifetime to do things we like, and then one day we decide that maybe, just maybe, that dream is not for us. We dream, we plan, and one day we just stop.

It hurts a little bit, because I know the same thing is happening to me. Reality kicks in and I am thinking of giving up. Not because I do not know how to reach it, but I just feel the obstacles and challenges are bigger than me, and I am not ready for it. I feel small, I feel old, I feel distant.

Is it possible to rewrite your dreams? I'd say yes, but I won't define mine as a dream anymore. A dream is called a dream because there is something dreamy about it, right? Mine is more like a life plan. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. Considering every failure potentials I could have. Pessimistic? Not really, just preparing for the worst. Hey, where's that little kid who'd say go get what she wants?

A lot of assumptions, but hey, maybe she just got awake and embrace the reality :)

A Birthday Wisdom

I have just celebrated my birthday, a couple of days ago. Happy birthday to me? Sure, thanks :)
I don't know why, but this time, it gave me a different feeling. On my last birthday, I felt excited but panicked at the same time. I also felt sad about getting older, feeling like I have achieved nothing in the past year. I panicked because in my quarter life age, I have to make a quick decision about my life. I feel like I should have known my life goals, what makes me happy and what doesn't. Who I want to be with, and who I don't. I panicked because I didn't even have a slightest clue about it.

This year, I feel different. I still don't know what I am going to do with my life. It doesn't feel right but instead of panicking like last year, I feel relaxed. I don't feel like I am in a rush anymore. I know rushing things are not good, and I think that instead of pushing something that does not belong with me at the moment, I should be celebrating my present life. Last year I was too busy planning and projecting my future or what I think what my future should be like. I forgot to enjoy my present moments that I was living at that time. Believe me, nothing is more regretful than having realized that your time has gone completely without you having the time to actually enjoy it.

I do believe that things will happen at MY OWN TIME. If nothing happens to you, then nothing happens FOR you. What happens to you, let it happen, sit back, relax, and enjoy the moments of your life as you know it may not happen twice. Yes, I am still freaking out sometimes, like "what if I will never find my purpose in life?", but I also realize that fear gets you nowhere. I try to eliminate that fear of being purposeless in life by being alive itself. In the end, you get only one life, so don't spend it over little things that don't count. One useful thing I have learnt is to try to stop comparing your life with others. They have their own happiness and their own struggles. Be joyful with what you have, as you know thousands of people would've never dreamt of living the life you have right now.

I know life is never easy, but it is worth to live. So please, be happy and be alive. Happy birthday to all my fellow Aries!

2018: Slow Down, Baby!

Can you believe it's 2018 already?

Too fast. Everything's changing too fast around you and sometimes you are afraid that you can not catch up with it. 

"Everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same". It almost feels like everything around you is evolving without you in it. Just like an old antique vase in the middle of high-tech living room: too fragile to be moved and too usual to be noticed.

That is when you realized that you need change. A Refreshment. Whether it is new clothes, new haircut, new hobby, or new job. You will do anything you can to fit in a fast-changing society. You think it is for the best, but the truth is: you are scared. Society is mean, baby and for those who can not fit in, will be outcast-ed. You are completely aware of that. 

So, here you are. New year, new you. At first, you will be excited. For you are sure, that you have taken a bold, courageous and the best decision for your life. Then, you will have doubts. What if the new you is still considered OLD for the society? What if the decisions you take are just impulsive and will never answer your anxiety? What if the excitement you feel is just for temporary? What if it doesn't change what you thought would be changed? What if you are wrong?

You can be wrong. It is highly likely that you are wrong. So what with being wrong? Albert Einstein once said, "A person who never made a mistake, never tried something new". So go make new mistakes, but LEARN from it and move on. Mistakes are the best experiences one can have to be a better person. So, let's not be afraid to make mistakes. At least you can say that you've tried. Whenever I have to make difficult decision in my life, I always ask myself: which decision will cause me regret more? Because when I am grey and old, I don't want to baffle with myself, looking back and regretting the decisions I am not brave enough to take. God knows, you will be having a lot of battles with life, at least have peace within yourself. 

2018, I don't ask you to be nice, just slow down a little bit, baby!

A Grown-Up Post

What is the scariest thing to be a grown-up?
I'll vote for one: Making your own decisions. Why? Because it is extremely hard and almost impossible.
However, I don't think you can call someone an adult if he can not make his own decisions.

I decided to write about being a grown-up as my comeback post (cie elah) because I am still stuck in my confusion of being an adult. Only now have I just realized how hard it is to try to grow up and be a real grown-up women. Often I am confused both with my limited choices and the numerous amounts of alternatives I can pick up. Each with its consequences. Nothing is really good or bad, right or wrong. I can not even trust my own senses because I feel like they can deceive me. Or maybe it is because I am never really sure what I want. The point is being an adult is scary.

On the other hand, being an adult is inevitable. I have to do it. I can not just lie down, wait for my boss, my parents, my friends to decide my life. I can not just "let it flow" and do nothing. Why? Because time flows so damn fast and as you grow older, you can't deny the fact that you have more limited opportunities to go get your dreams.

So again, I have to take my chances to be an adult and I screwed up at the beginning (I still am). From the simplest decision, such as deciding what to wear tomorrow, deciding whether I want to stay or resign from my job, to choosing to reject or accept my true self. Those are the decisions I have to deal every day and none of it is easy.

Last week I heard a good speech by Lisa Kudrow (starred as Phoebe in Friends) that really hit me hard. She said "...the 20s the are a that time in your life when you're really getting acquainted to self-doubt when there's so much seemingly at stake. So let me reassure you. It's not supposed to be easy. You're supposed to have moments of uncertainty about which path to take because the 20s are full of crossroads. When one door closes, another door always opens." That's when I scream to myself: YES.

What is also hard about being an adult is not just the decisions that you have to take, but also to control yourself. Your overflowing emotions, your self-doubts, your uncertainties. You need a clear mind and a peaceful, calm feelings to make the right decisions. And again, it is not easy to clear up your heads when there are so many things happen around you, esp in your 20s. You will have failures, you will have haters and backstabbers, you will get your heart broken, you will lose some friends, and you will fall even more below that you have ever imagined. BUT, you will also rise up, get back on your feet, stand tall, you will have supporters from those who love you, you will have time to heal your wounds, you will gain true friends, and you will find courage and strength inside you to start it all over again. So yeah, it is not easy, but these experiences will make us better and stronger as a human, only if we can see the positive sides.

I am not saying that I am already an adult now. I am still learning. Hard. Sometimes the decision that I have to take requires me to give up another dream in order to pursue other things that I don't even know if that will eventually be better than the initial ones. It does hurts. But, that is the beauty of life:that you keep going, you make mistakes but you don't let it to stop you from living, and eventually you survive.

All in all, let's try of being an adult, survivors! Just so you know: if you find it nearly impossible, you are not alone :)

Death and Life

Have you watched the currently-hip-series 13 Reasons Why? I have, and it seriously makes me think about death.

13 Reasons Why is a story of Hannah Baker who committed suicide and left a box of tapes to her friends, the ones who, according to her, had caused her to commit suicide. And the rest of the story is based on how Clay Jensen, one of her classmates, who you can see clearly, had a crush on Hannah, listened to the tapes and learned the truth that would change his life forever. 

Watching the series makes me think about death. Relax, I am not planning to commit suicide or am having any depression like Hannah. I'm just thinking, what would it be, if I die? Will anyone, besides my family, cry or just genuinely feel sad? What would they think of me? It's so unfortunate that she died young. Or, poor little girl, she could've had a tremendous future. What would they feel about it? Sad? Surprised? Pity? I'm so dead curious about it.

I used to be afraid of dying. I think I am still so young, I have a lot of potentials, I have my dreams, places to travel to, things to try, clothes to buy, food to eat, etc.
I am so scared of dying before I even have the chance to do all of those things I want.
That fear of dying makes me forget to live.
I forgot that the life I am living right now, is a luxury itself.
It is my only chance to achieve the ultimate goal of my life: To be happy.
So now, I am not afraid of dying.
Not because I think I have lived a fulfilling life. No, I am still working on it.
But because I want to be happy and grateful of the life I am living.
I know when I look back, I have done nothing great, but a lot of mistakes instead. There are also loads of things I want to achieve in this life.
So whatever it is, I want to work on it, whether to reflect on my mistakes and do better, or do things to achieve my dreams.
I want to live each day, as it is the last day of my life. Thus, when I get tired of this life, chasing things with no guarantee I will earn it someday, I can always look back, and be proud of what I have done in order to live well and right.
And finally, when it is really the last day of my life, I will not regret it as much as I would.

I feel sometimes, I have all the time in the world. Sometimes, I think I am running out of time.
Often, I feel so alive, yet dead inside.
I feel content but I wipe my tears at nights.
I scream in joy while crying my heart out.
I feel life is just too good to be true, but at the same time I am disappointed in life because it's never fair.
Sometimes I am so full of energy that I tire myself out.
And sometimes shit happens.
That's fine. That's life. C'est la vie.

You can never please everyone. Everyone, including yourself.
You are your biggest critic.
Forgive yourself and make peace with life.
Because, as I have said in my previous post, life is never fair, and it never will be.
So why taking up so many time of your life of hating yourself, when you can be happy at that very same time?

To those who are having a hard time to live and love themselves,
(I'm not gonna tell you: you're beautiful, precious, or strong, because it is soooo mainstream and I believe you already know how fabulous you are).
Cheer up, people! You are not struggling alone.
Life sucks parce que c'est la vie.

I Cut My Bangs

Last week I cut my bangs but I am not going to tell you the details about my bangs and how it looks like. No, I ain't got anything to share about the stylish side of my bangs. Instead, I am going to share some thoughts about how cutting my bangs gives me this kind of deep thought about life (haha!).

So, I cut my bags last week. Many people asked me why suddenly I cut my hair and gave myself a totally different look. The truth is, it was not that sudden. I am a quite a planner and thinker. It takes me weeks to think whether I am going to buy a pair of shoes or not. Moreover, this is about my hair. I have thought about it since last year, googled it every night, asked for opinions from hairdressers, family, friends, and colleagues. The point is, I took me quite a long time before I finally gathered my courage to cut my bangs.

Since I was in junior high school, I know that having a bad haircut is every girl's nightmare. I remember cutting my hair into a bob haircut and I couldn't sleep just because I was scared of entering my classroom in the morning and turned out my classmates did not like my haircut. Well, actually it was not "they did not like my new haircut" but it was more "they gave negative comments about my new haircut" that terrified me the most. I think it is going to be nicer that even though they do not like my new haircut, they ignore it, and keep silent about it. But you can't stop it. Here, people like to talk about each other, and a new haircut is everyone's favorite.

The same thing is happening to me now. The difference is, I am already ready about whatever people are going to say about my bangs. At least, I told myself so. However, it was not easy. I have received quite a lot of diverse comments ever since I cut my bangs and some comments are still too hard to swallow.

After finding a good moment to reflect to myself, I realized that I should not be angry or upset about what people say about my bangs or my life. First, it is their rights to give comments about anything, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Second, it is MY LIFE. My decision. You know, people are going to either love you or hate you. So, why don't you do anything you want to do in your life? Without being afraid of what others may think or talk about? I know it's hard when our definition of success and happiness is being defined by the society. But let's try with ourselves, our life, and our own definition of being happy :)

I cut my bangs last week and I am thrilled to see how cutting my bangs lead me to this kind of thought :p
And I wouldn't have done it without ALL of those comments (thanks guys!)
Anyone disagree of me having bangs? Don't worry. You'll get used to it :)
Happy weekend everyone!