Before this,
We were running,
Chasing,
Rushing,
Snogging,
Hugging,
Touching,
And..
Suddenly THIS came.
And the world shut down,
As if it stopped spinning
Everything went quiet
Abruptly, Unwillingly
We were forced to do the same.
Do you know every being have incredible survival instinct?
And look at it now,
Skies are clear
Traffics are nowhere to be seen
Humanity acts are restored
Technologies are rapidly recognized
Hygiene is part of human lives
Families are not taken for granted
And we survived this far
I have found beauty in silence, have you?
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Tuesday, 26 May 2020
Saturday, 9 November 2019
Taking Chances
"What do you say to taking chances?"
"What do you say to jumping of the edge?"
"Never know if there's a solid ground below, or hell to go, or hand to hold".
That's the lyrics of one of my favourite songs of Celine Dion's "Taking Chances". The current song popped up in my head at the moment. I may be at the edge right now. I did not know how close I was to the edge until last night - until I was forced to think differently about my life. Until a friend confronted me asking if I would stay in my comfort zone forever, accept anything of what life will throw at me, while at the same time wondering "what ifs" and complaining about my average boring life.
I was stunned, anxious, sad, angry, and confused at the same time. Unready to open up to limitless opportunities that I might have had a long time ago, and I still have right now. Unable to think that I could have a different life if I have not been so afraid of taking chances. My heart is actually pounding so hard right now while typing this. I am afraid but excited, because taking this decision in a fully aware condition, at this age of mine, will affect my future forever. What makes me anxious to bits is that there's a big probability that I would fail eventually and God knows how much I hate failures.
So today, is the day that I decided to be brave. To embrace that possibility of failing and still do it anyway. To admit that I am just a clueless human being who can screw things up. One thing I am sure of, I would be forever devastated of not taking the chances I am having right now, just because I am afraid of failing. Everyone fails at times, do they?
I am hoping I would constantly be courageous and whatever challenges happen, I will not back up - Please wish that I can always be this brave - I may forget about this someday - so this writing would either be a nice reminder for me or a slap in the face - Happy Sunday all!
"What do you say to jumping of the edge?"
"Never know if there's a solid ground below, or hell to go, or hand to hold".
That's the lyrics of one of my favourite songs of Celine Dion's "Taking Chances". The current song popped up in my head at the moment. I may be at the edge right now. I did not know how close I was to the edge until last night - until I was forced to think differently about my life. Until a friend confronted me asking if I would stay in my comfort zone forever, accept anything of what life will throw at me, while at the same time wondering "what ifs" and complaining about my average boring life.
I was stunned, anxious, sad, angry, and confused at the same time. Unready to open up to limitless opportunities that I might have had a long time ago, and I still have right now. Unable to think that I could have a different life if I have not been so afraid of taking chances. My heart is actually pounding so hard right now while typing this. I am afraid but excited, because taking this decision in a fully aware condition, at this age of mine, will affect my future forever. What makes me anxious to bits is that there's a big probability that I would fail eventually and God knows how much I hate failures.
So today, is the day that I decided to be brave. To embrace that possibility of failing and still do it anyway. To admit that I am just a clueless human being who can screw things up. One thing I am sure of, I would be forever devastated of not taking the chances I am having right now, just because I am afraid of failing. Everyone fails at times, do they?
I am hoping I would constantly be courageous and whatever challenges happen, I will not back up - Please wish that I can always be this brave - I may forget about this someday - so this writing would either be a nice reminder for me or a slap in the face - Happy Sunday all!
Friday, 22 February 2019
What's Keeping You Up & Awake?
What's Keeping You Up & Awake?
For me, it's different each day. One day I woke up with fear of today's pile of tasks, the other day I woke up looking forward to a meeting with my dear friends. Some days were just too gloomy to live in, some days were just too good to be true. The strange part is, I can not choose what feelings I want to feel when I wake up. However, I think we all can control it. How?
This old friend of mine, I noticed, has done this kind of gratitude challenge on Instagram. The challenge is to write 3 things every day that makes you grateful for consecutively 10 days. It strikes me that sometimes the things that make us smile are the smallest thing in life, things that we take for granted every day. So the first thing we can do to control our wake-up-feelings is to be grateful for each and every small things in life. It would be great if there are tons of big momentous things happen in your life every day, but if not, even if it's one hell of a crappy day, learn to be thankful of every breath you take, every food you eat, every drop of urine you can pee (and poop?), because we all know, how many people in this world can not experience such comfort you have.
I recently cut my foot while opening an iron door in my boarding house. Unfortunately I didn't rush it to the hospital to get stitched. The wound worsened the next day and as a result, I have to wait for 2 months for it to completely heal. In those 2 months, while getting treatment, I have to keep the wound dry and sterile. So, I become anxious (and super lazy) whenever I have to shower. Those 2 months have been agitating for me. On one of my mellowest days, I remembered I prayed to God and cried while hoping whether I am going to be able to take a "normal" shower, without having to put one of my feet up, worried that the water would splash the wound, and not getting super sad and lazy whenever the day to wash my hair came (I even had my haircut to ease myself). It is only through this experience that now I feel super grateful just to be able to shower and wash my hair "normally", thing that I have taken for granted for so long, only after it has gone that I realize how important it is to me.
Second attempt to control your feeling is, I guess, dream a little dream. No matter how small/big/easy/frightening/cheesy it is, IT IS YOUR DREAMS. No one is entitled to own it, but you. Dreams are what's keeping you up & awake, no matter how struggling each day is. Blessed are those who are living their dreams right now. Double-blessed are the ones who haven't. That means, you are given the chance to live each day to pursue your goals, to try to be better each and every day, to have that trial and error and learn from it, to get excited with every chance you have, and also to fear of what's coming next. I encourage you to go get your dreams, starting today, even if you die when you have not achieved your dreams, you are living your life pursuing a good thing. So why not?
Dreaming makes you have a hope for the future, and as my favorite quote on Shawshank Redemption once said, "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
Tuesday, 1 January 2019
Why I Haven't Been Writing These Days
Inconsistency, Procrastination, More Attractive Youtube Content, Movies I've Been Wanting to Stream, Checking my Instagram, Replying Whatsapp Group, Slow Internet Connection, Old Notebook That's Taking Forever to Function.
Those are the major reasons why I haven't been writing my blog lately and suddenly it's 2019.
Sometimes, I have random topics that I eagerly want to write, but again those reasons come in between and stop me from writing.
To start this article right, I do not have any particular topic to write about. Instead, I will just write. One sentence or two, soon it will become a full page article. God, this article is so random and pointless, so feel free to switch your web page.
At the beginning of my blog posts in 2016, I wrote about how writing could be a therapy. I still like writing and do think it as a therapy. However, as I realize that I spend most of my time on instagram, it has crossed my mind, what if I use instagram as my writing media, after all I always love to think and create my caption deeply. My friend Vania has started this "caption crafter" thing or whatever the name is. The point is to tell story through your Instagram posts. I don't think it is easy for me because sometimes what I want to write do not match with any picture, and it is the other way around. Sometimes, the picture I want to post a picture of me without any motivating or crappy pointless story like this one. Moreover, I have a quota limit and instagram surely eats a lot of it.
In fact, I have a good supporting argument for that idea. The thing about social media is that you care enough about how people react to your posts, what are their comments, how many people like it, etc. Although many say, "dude, I don't care what people say or think about my posts". Well I'd say, "dude, if you post it on your social media, I think you do care about what people think about it (at least a bit)". Me? I absolutely care about it, and I know people will definitely judge, and I know it will affect me (even in the slightest impact). I may just have not been ready to receive such attention, there's always a first time for everything. So, who knows?
*) Let's hope this is not my first and last writing in 2019, as I will attempt to reduce those major reasons.
Those are the major reasons why I haven't been writing my blog lately and suddenly it's 2019.
Sometimes, I have random topics that I eagerly want to write, but again those reasons come in between and stop me from writing.
To start this article right, I do not have any particular topic to write about. Instead, I will just write. One sentence or two, soon it will become a full page article. God, this article is so random and pointless, so feel free to switch your web page.
At the beginning of my blog posts in 2016, I wrote about how writing could be a therapy. I still like writing and do think it as a therapy. However, as I realize that I spend most of my time on instagram, it has crossed my mind, what if I use instagram as my writing media, after all I always love to think and create my caption deeply. My friend Vania has started this "caption crafter" thing or whatever the name is. The point is to tell story through your Instagram posts. I don't think it is easy for me because sometimes what I want to write do not match with any picture, and it is the other way around. Sometimes, the picture I want to post a picture of me without any motivating or crappy pointless story like this one. Moreover, I have a quota limit and instagram surely eats a lot of it.
In fact, I have a good supporting argument for that idea. The thing about social media is that you care enough about how people react to your posts, what are their comments, how many people like it, etc. Although many say, "dude, I don't care what people say or think about my posts". Well I'd say, "dude, if you post it on your social media, I think you do care about what people think about it (at least a bit)". Me? I absolutely care about it, and I know people will definitely judge, and I know it will affect me (even in the slightest impact). I may just have not been ready to receive such attention, there's always a first time for everything. So, who knows?
*) Let's hope this is not my first and last writing in 2019, as I will attempt to reduce those major reasons.
Saturday, 1 September 2018
Why having my heart broken is one of the best thing happened to me
"How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?"
That part of a song is my favorite lyric ever. Painful yet relatable to everyone who has experienced heart broken moment. I mean, how can you not cry heart out when you sing that part?
There is nothing good at waving goodbyes to someone who hold our hearts. It definitely sucks. It makes us feel worthless, lost, defeated and pathetic. At least that's what I felt. As a melancholic, I spent days crying, wondering whys, remembering good and bad old days, planning to fix it, trying heaps of ways to move on, but none of it healed me as a person, not to mention, as a woman. That was the time when I justified the truth behind a quote saying "time heals everything". The hardest thing is we will never know when that time comes. There was a time when I felt like I moved on, but that night I dreamed of him again after such a long time. There was a time, I felt like I was fine with his new relationship, but fell to pieces when I saw his instagram posts about it, and ended up stalking his new girlfriend and comparing myself with her. God, why is this so hard?
It is only when I discovered the true value of mine that I finally found peace. Don't get too much awe, because I am still an ordinary person who can feel weak sometimes. However, I finally found the moment when I can be grateful about the heart broken experiences that I had. I felt so lucky, because having my heart broken is a strong sign that I am a bigger person to give that so much love to someone else, even if it was unrequited one. I have the rights to cry, to scream, to get hurt, and to be hopeless in the most respective way. Yet, I also have the rights to get up, to pray, and to hope for better days. I will have more chances to explore my strengths, work on my weaknesses, decide what I want in life. All in one to improve myself, to find my true happiness without depending on someone else. Having my broken heart was probably one of my saddest experience but also the best thing that happened to me. Without it, I would never know how much improvement I have to make, how much value I have, how strong I am to stand up against all the pain, and how much happy I could be with or without 'that distraction'.
It is still mournful and hurts so bad, but just like all the pain in the world, it will only make you stronger once you have overcome it. Toughen yourself up and may you have the most insightful heart-broken moments!
That part of a song is my favorite lyric ever. Painful yet relatable to everyone who has experienced heart broken moment. I mean, how can you not cry heart out when you sing that part?
There is nothing good at waving goodbyes to someone who hold our hearts. It definitely sucks. It makes us feel worthless, lost, defeated and pathetic. At least that's what I felt. As a melancholic, I spent days crying, wondering whys, remembering good and bad old days, planning to fix it, trying heaps of ways to move on, but none of it healed me as a person, not to mention, as a woman. That was the time when I justified the truth behind a quote saying "time heals everything". The hardest thing is we will never know when that time comes. There was a time when I felt like I moved on, but that night I dreamed of him again after such a long time. There was a time, I felt like I was fine with his new relationship, but fell to pieces when I saw his instagram posts about it, and ended up stalking his new girlfriend and comparing myself with her. God, why is this so hard?
It is only when I discovered the true value of mine that I finally found peace. Don't get too much awe, because I am still an ordinary person who can feel weak sometimes. However, I finally found the moment when I can be grateful about the heart broken experiences that I had. I felt so lucky, because having my heart broken is a strong sign that I am a bigger person to give that so much love to someone else, even if it was unrequited one. I have the rights to cry, to scream, to get hurt, and to be hopeless in the most respective way. Yet, I also have the rights to get up, to pray, and to hope for better days. I will have more chances to explore my strengths, work on my weaknesses, decide what I want in life. All in one to improve myself, to find my true happiness without depending on someone else. Having my broken heart was probably one of my saddest experience but also the best thing that happened to me. Without it, I would never know how much improvement I have to make, how much value I have, how strong I am to stand up against all the pain, and how much happy I could be with or without 'that distraction'.
It is still mournful and hurts so bad, but just like all the pain in the world, it will only make you stronger once you have overcome it. Toughen yourself up and may you have the most insightful heart-broken moments!
Friday, 27 July 2018
Dreams
What are your dreams?
I know dreams consist of driven ambitions, slight imagination, sincere prayers, and sometimes parents' encouragement.
We used to have dreams when we were little. Now, time is consuming up our lives and I wonder if your dreams have become your fear.
Aren't you afraid not to able to live up your dreams? Or are you even afraid to try? Aren't they too big for you? Don't you feel they might be out of your reach?
It's tingling and funny because as kids we never feel that way. We just dream. Freely. No pressures. We imagine things we like and wish that when we are big enough to go get it, we will. What happened to that kid? We wait a lifetime to do things we like, and then one day we decide that maybe, just maybe, that dream is not for us. We dream, we plan, and one day we just stop.
It hurts a little bit, because I know the same thing is happening to me. Reality kicks in and I am thinking of giving up. Not because I do not know how to reach it, but I just feel the obstacles and challenges are bigger than me, and I am not ready for it. I feel small, I feel old, I feel distant.
Is it possible to rewrite your dreams? I'd say yes, but I won't define mine as a dream anymore. A dream is called a dream because there is something dreamy about it, right? Mine is more like a life plan. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. Considering every failure potentials I could have. Pessimistic? Not really, just preparing for the worst. Hey, where's that little kid who'd say go get what she wants?
A lot of assumptions, but hey, maybe she just got awake and embrace the reality :)
I know dreams consist of driven ambitions, slight imagination, sincere prayers, and sometimes parents' encouragement.
We used to have dreams when we were little. Now, time is consuming up our lives and I wonder if your dreams have become your fear.
Aren't you afraid not to able to live up your dreams? Or are you even afraid to try? Aren't they too big for you? Don't you feel they might be out of your reach?
It's tingling and funny because as kids we never feel that way. We just dream. Freely. No pressures. We imagine things we like and wish that when we are big enough to go get it, we will. What happened to that kid? We wait a lifetime to do things we like, and then one day we decide that maybe, just maybe, that dream is not for us. We dream, we plan, and one day we just stop.
It hurts a little bit, because I know the same thing is happening to me. Reality kicks in and I am thinking of giving up. Not because I do not know how to reach it, but I just feel the obstacles and challenges are bigger than me, and I am not ready for it. I feel small, I feel old, I feel distant.
Is it possible to rewrite your dreams? I'd say yes, but I won't define mine as a dream anymore. A dream is called a dream because there is something dreamy about it, right? Mine is more like a life plan. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. Considering every failure potentials I could have. Pessimistic? Not really, just preparing for the worst. Hey, where's that little kid who'd say go get what she wants?
A lot of assumptions, but hey, maybe she just got awake and embrace the reality :)
Friday, 6 April 2018
A Birthday Wisdom
I have just celebrated my birthday, a couple of days ago. Happy birthday to me? Sure, thanks :)
I don't know why, but this time, it gave me a different feeling. On my last birthday, I felt excited but panicked at the same time. I also felt sad about getting older, feeling like I have achieved nothing in the past year. I panicked because in my quarter life age, I have to make a quick decision about my life. I feel like I should have known my life goals, what makes me happy and what doesn't. Who I want to be with, and who I don't. I panicked because I didn't even have a slightest clue about it.
This year, I feel different. I still don't know what I am going to do with my life. It doesn't feel right but instead of panicking like last year, I feel relaxed. I don't feel like I am in a rush anymore. I know rushing things are not good, and I think that instead of pushing something that does not belong with me at the moment, I should be celebrating my present life. Last year I was too busy planning and projecting my future or what I think what my future should be like. I forgot to enjoy my present moments that I was living at that time. Believe me, nothing is more regretful than having realized that your time has gone completely without you having the time to actually enjoy it.
I do believe that things will happen at MY OWN TIME. If nothing happens to you, then nothing happens FOR you. What happens to you, let it happen, sit back, relax, and enjoy the moments of your life as you know it may not happen twice. Yes, I am still freaking out sometimes, like "what if I will never find my purpose in life?", but I also realize that fear gets you nowhere. I try to eliminate that fear of being purposeless in life by being alive itself. In the end, you get only one life, so don't spend it over little things that don't count. One useful thing I have learnt is to try to stop comparing your life with others. They have their own happiness and their own struggles. Be joyful with what you have, as you know thousands of people would've never dreamt of living the life you have right now.
I know life is never easy, but it is worth to live. So please, be happy and be alive. Happy birthday to all my fellow Aries!
I don't know why, but this time, it gave me a different feeling. On my last birthday, I felt excited but panicked at the same time. I also felt sad about getting older, feeling like I have achieved nothing in the past year. I panicked because in my quarter life age, I have to make a quick decision about my life. I feel like I should have known my life goals, what makes me happy and what doesn't. Who I want to be with, and who I don't. I panicked because I didn't even have a slightest clue about it.
This year, I feel different. I still don't know what I am going to do with my life. It doesn't feel right but instead of panicking like last year, I feel relaxed. I don't feel like I am in a rush anymore. I know rushing things are not good, and I think that instead of pushing something that does not belong with me at the moment, I should be celebrating my present life. Last year I was too busy planning and projecting my future or what I think what my future should be like. I forgot to enjoy my present moments that I was living at that time. Believe me, nothing is more regretful than having realized that your time has gone completely without you having the time to actually enjoy it.
I do believe that things will happen at MY OWN TIME. If nothing happens to you, then nothing happens FOR you. What happens to you, let it happen, sit back, relax, and enjoy the moments of your life as you know it may not happen twice. Yes, I am still freaking out sometimes, like "what if I will never find my purpose in life?", but I also realize that fear gets you nowhere. I try to eliminate that fear of being purposeless in life by being alive itself. In the end, you get only one life, so don't spend it over little things that don't count. One useful thing I have learnt is to try to stop comparing your life with others. They have their own happiness and their own struggles. Be joyful with what you have, as you know thousands of people would've never dreamt of living the life you have right now.
I know life is never easy, but it is worth to live. So please, be happy and be alive. Happy birthday to all my fellow Aries!
Saturday, 13 January 2018
2018: Slow Down, Baby!
Can you believe it's 2018 already?
Too fast. Everything's changing too fast around you and sometimes you are afraid that you can not catch up with it.
"Everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same". It almost feels like everything around you is evolving without you in it. Just like an old antique vase in the middle of high-tech living room: too fragile to be moved and too usual to be noticed.
That is when you realized that you need change. A Refreshment. Whether it is new clothes, new haircut, new hobby, or new job. You will do anything you can to fit in a fast-changing society. You think it is for the best, but the truth is: you are scared. Society is mean, baby and for those who can not fit in, will be outcast-ed. You are completely aware of that.
So, here you are. New year, new you. At first, you will be excited. For you are sure, that you have taken a bold, courageous and the best decision for your life. Then, you will have doubts. What if the new you is still considered OLD for the society? What if the decisions you take are just impulsive and will never answer your anxiety? What if the excitement you feel is just for temporary? What if it doesn't change what you thought would be changed? What if you are wrong?
You can be wrong. It is highly likely that you are wrong. So what with being wrong? Albert Einstein once said, "A person who never made a mistake, never tried something new". So go make new mistakes, but LEARN from it and move on. Mistakes are the best experiences one can have to be a better person. So, let's not be afraid to make mistakes. At least you can say that you've tried. Whenever I have to make difficult decision in my life, I always ask myself: which decision will cause me regret more? Because when I am grey and old, I don't want to baffle with myself, looking back and regretting the decisions I am not brave enough to take. God knows, you will be having a lot of battles with life, at least have peace within yourself.
2018, I don't ask you to be nice, just slow down a little bit, baby!
Sunday, 8 October 2017
A Grown-Up Post
What is the scariest thing to be a grown-up?
I'll vote for one: Making your own decisions. Why? Because it is extremely hard and almost impossible.
However, I don't think you can call someone an adult if he can not make his own decisions.
I decided to write about being a grown-up as my comeback post (cie elah) because I am still stuck in my confusion of being an adult. Only now have I just realized how hard it is to try to grow up and be a real grown-up women. Often I am confused both with my limited choices and the numerous amounts of alternatives I can pick up. Each with its consequences. Nothing is really good or bad, right or wrong. I can not even trust my own senses because I feel like they can deceive me. Or maybe it is because I am never really sure what I want. The point is being an adult is scary.
On the other hand, being an adult is inevitable. I have to do it. I can not just lie down, wait for my boss, my parents, my friends to decide my life. I can not just "let it flow" and do nothing. Why? Because time flows so damn fast and as you grow older, you can't deny the fact that you have more limited opportunities to go get your dreams.
So again, I have to take my chances to be an adult and I screwed up at the beginning (I still am). From the simplest decision, such as deciding what to wear tomorrow, deciding whether I want to stay or resign from my job, to choosing to reject or accept my true self. Those are the decisions I have to deal every day and none of it is easy.
Last week I heard a good speech by Lisa Kudrow (starred as Phoebe in Friends) that really hit me hard. She said "...the 20s the are a that time in your life when you're really getting acquainted to self-doubt when there's so much seemingly at stake. So let me reassure you. It's not supposed to be easy. You're supposed to have moments of uncertainty about which path to take because the 20s are full of crossroads. When one door closes, another door always opens." That's when I scream to myself: YES.
What is also hard about being an adult is not just the decisions that you have to take, but also to control yourself. Your overflowing emotions, your self-doubts, your uncertainties. You need a clear mind and a peaceful, calm feelings to make the right decisions. And again, it is not easy to clear up your heads when there are so many things happen around you, esp in your 20s. You will have failures, you will have haters and backstabbers, you will get your heart broken, you will lose some friends, and you will fall even more below that you have ever imagined. BUT, you will also rise up, get back on your feet, stand tall, you will have supporters from those who love you, you will have time to heal your wounds, you will gain true friends, and you will find courage and strength inside you to start it all over again. So yeah, it is not easy, but these experiences will make us better and stronger as a human, only if we can see the positive sides.
I am not saying that I am already an adult now. I am still learning. Hard. Sometimes the decision that I have to take requires me to give up another dream in order to pursue other things that I don't even know if that will eventually be better than the initial ones. It does hurts. But, that is the beauty of life:that you keep going, you make mistakes but you don't let it to stop you from living, and eventually you survive.
All in all, let's try of being an adult, survivors! Just so you know: if you find it nearly impossible, you are not alone :)
I'll vote for one: Making your own decisions. Why? Because it is extremely hard and almost impossible.
However, I don't think you can call someone an adult if he can not make his own decisions.
I decided to write about being a grown-up as my comeback post (cie elah) because I am still stuck in my confusion of being an adult. Only now have I just realized how hard it is to try to grow up and be a real grown-up women. Often I am confused both with my limited choices and the numerous amounts of alternatives I can pick up. Each with its consequences. Nothing is really good or bad, right or wrong. I can not even trust my own senses because I feel like they can deceive me. Or maybe it is because I am never really sure what I want. The point is being an adult is scary.
On the other hand, being an adult is inevitable. I have to do it. I can not just lie down, wait for my boss, my parents, my friends to decide my life. I can not just "let it flow" and do nothing. Why? Because time flows so damn fast and as you grow older, you can't deny the fact that you have more limited opportunities to go get your dreams.
So again, I have to take my chances to be an adult and I screwed up at the beginning (I still am). From the simplest decision, such as deciding what to wear tomorrow, deciding whether I want to stay or resign from my job, to choosing to reject or accept my true self. Those are the decisions I have to deal every day and none of it is easy.
Last week I heard a good speech by Lisa Kudrow (starred as Phoebe in Friends) that really hit me hard. She said "...the 20s the are a that time in your life when you're really getting acquainted to self-doubt when there's so much seemingly at stake. So let me reassure you. It's not supposed to be easy. You're supposed to have moments of uncertainty about which path to take because the 20s are full of crossroads. When one door closes, another door always opens." That's when I scream to myself: YES.
What is also hard about being an adult is not just the decisions that you have to take, but also to control yourself. Your overflowing emotions, your self-doubts, your uncertainties. You need a clear mind and a peaceful, calm feelings to make the right decisions. And again, it is not easy to clear up your heads when there are so many things happen around you, esp in your 20s. You will have failures, you will have haters and backstabbers, you will get your heart broken, you will lose some friends, and you will fall even more below that you have ever imagined. BUT, you will also rise up, get back on your feet, stand tall, you will have supporters from those who love you, you will have time to heal your wounds, you will gain true friends, and you will find courage and strength inside you to start it all over again. So yeah, it is not easy, but these experiences will make us better and stronger as a human, only if we can see the positive sides.
I am not saying that I am already an adult now. I am still learning. Hard. Sometimes the decision that I have to take requires me to give up another dream in order to pursue other things that I don't even know if that will eventually be better than the initial ones. It does hurts. But, that is the beauty of life:that you keep going, you make mistakes but you don't let it to stop you from living, and eventually you survive.
All in all, let's try of being an adult, survivors! Just so you know: if you find it nearly impossible, you are not alone :)
Monday, 12 June 2017
Death and Life
Have you watched the currently-hip-series 13 Reasons Why? I have, and it seriously makes me think about death.
13 Reasons Why is a story of Hannah Baker who committed suicide and left a box of tapes to her friends, the ones who, according to her, had caused her to commit suicide. And the rest of the story is based on how Clay Jensen, one of her classmates, who you can see clearly, had a crush on Hannah, listened to the tapes and learned the truth that would change his life forever.
Watching the series makes me think about death. Relax, I am not planning to commit suicide or am having any depression like Hannah. I'm just thinking, what would it be, if I die? Will anyone, besides my family, cry or just genuinely feel sad? What would they think of me? It's so unfortunate that she died young. Or, poor little girl, she could've had a tremendous future. What would they feel about it? Sad? Surprised? Pity? I'm so dead curious about it.
I used to be afraid of dying. I think I am still so young, I have a lot of potentials, I have my dreams, places to travel to, things to try, clothes to buy, food to eat, etc.
I am so scared of dying before I even have the chance to do all of those things I want.
That fear of dying makes me forget to live.
I forgot that the life I am living right now, is a luxury itself.
It is my only chance to achieve the ultimate goal of my life: To be happy.
So now, I am not afraid of dying.
Not because I think I have lived a fulfilling life. No, I am still working on it.
But because I want to be happy and grateful of the life I am living.
I know when I look back, I have done nothing great, but a lot of mistakes instead. There are also loads of things I want to achieve in this life.
So whatever it is, I want to work on it, whether to reflect on my mistakes and do better, or do things to achieve my dreams.
I want to live each day, as it is the last day of my life. Thus, when I get tired of this life, chasing things with no guarantee I will earn it someday, I can always look back, and be proud of what I have done in order to live well and right.
And finally, when it is really the last day of my life, I will not regret it as much as I would.
I feel sometimes, I have all the time in the world. Sometimes, I think I am running out of time.
Often, I feel so alive, yet dead inside.
I feel content but I wipe my tears at nights.
I scream in joy while crying my heart out.
I feel life is just too good to be true, but at the same time I am disappointed in life because it's never fair.
Sometimes I am so full of energy that I tire myself out.
And sometimes shit happens.
That's fine. That's life. C'est la vie.
You can never please everyone. Everyone, including yourself.
You are your biggest critic.
Forgive yourself and make peace with life.
Because, as I have said in my previous post, life is never fair, and it never will be.
So why taking up so many time of your life of hating yourself, when you can be happy at that very same time?
To those who are having a hard time to live and love themselves,
(I'm not gonna tell you: you're beautiful, precious, or strong, because it is soooo mainstream and I believe you already know how fabulous you are).
Cheer up, people! You are not struggling alone.
Life sucks parce que c'est la vie.
I used to be afraid of dying. I think I am still so young, I have a lot of potentials, I have my dreams, places to travel to, things to try, clothes to buy, food to eat, etc.
I am so scared of dying before I even have the chance to do all of those things I want.
That fear of dying makes me forget to live.
I forgot that the life I am living right now, is a luxury itself.
It is my only chance to achieve the ultimate goal of my life: To be happy.
So now, I am not afraid of dying.
Not because I think I have lived a fulfilling life. No, I am still working on it.
But because I want to be happy and grateful of the life I am living.
I know when I look back, I have done nothing great, but a lot of mistakes instead. There are also loads of things I want to achieve in this life.
So whatever it is, I want to work on it, whether to reflect on my mistakes and do better, or do things to achieve my dreams.
I want to live each day, as it is the last day of my life. Thus, when I get tired of this life, chasing things with no guarantee I will earn it someday, I can always look back, and be proud of what I have done in order to live well and right.
And finally, when it is really the last day of my life, I will not regret it as much as I would.
I feel sometimes, I have all the time in the world. Sometimes, I think I am running out of time.
Often, I feel so alive, yet dead inside.
I feel content but I wipe my tears at nights.
I scream in joy while crying my heart out.
I feel life is just too good to be true, but at the same time I am disappointed in life because it's never fair.
Sometimes I am so full of energy that I tire myself out.
And sometimes shit happens.
That's fine. That's life. C'est la vie.
You can never please everyone. Everyone, including yourself.
You are your biggest critic.
Forgive yourself and make peace with life.
Because, as I have said in my previous post, life is never fair, and it never will be.
So why taking up so many time of your life of hating yourself, when you can be happy at that very same time?
To those who are having a hard time to live and love themselves,
(I'm not gonna tell you: you're beautiful, precious, or strong, because it is soooo mainstream and I believe you already know how fabulous you are).
Cheer up, people! You are not struggling alone.
Life sucks parce que c'est la vie.
Friday, 7 April 2017
I Cut My Bangs
Last week I cut my bangs but I am not going to tell you the details about my bangs and how it looks like. No, I ain't got anything to share about the stylish side of my bangs. Instead, I am going to share some thoughts about how cutting my bangs gives me this kind of deep thought about life (haha!).
So, I cut my bags last week. Many people asked me why suddenly I cut my hair and gave myself a totally different look. The truth is, it was not that sudden. I am a quite a planner and thinker. It takes me weeks to think whether I am going to buy a pair of shoes or not. Moreover, this is about my hair. I have thought about it since last year, googled it every night, asked for opinions from hairdressers, family, friends, and colleagues. The point is, I took me quite a long time before I finally gathered my courage to cut my bangs.
Since I was in junior high school, I know that having a bad haircut is every girl's nightmare. I remember cutting my hair into a bob haircut and I couldn't sleep just because I was scared of entering my classroom in the morning and turned out my classmates did not like my haircut. Well, actually it was not "they did not like my new haircut" but it was more "they gave negative comments about my new haircut" that terrified me the most. I think it is going to be nicer that even though they do not like my new haircut, they ignore it, and keep silent about it. But you can't stop it. Here, people like to talk about each other, and a new haircut is everyone's favorite.
The same thing is happening to me now. The difference is, I am already ready about whatever people are going to say about my bangs. At least, I told myself so. However, it was not easy. I have received quite a lot of diverse comments ever since I cut my bangs and some comments are still too hard to swallow.
After finding a good moment to reflect to myself, I realized that I should not be angry or upset about what people say about my bangs or my life. First, it is their rights to give comments about anything, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Second, it is MY LIFE. My decision. You know, people are going to either love you or hate you. So, why don't you do anything you want to do in your life? Without being afraid of what others may think or talk about? I know it's hard when our definition of success and happiness is being defined by the society. But let's try with ourselves, our life, and our own definition of being happy :)
I cut my bangs last week and I am thrilled to see how cutting my bangs lead me to this kind of thought :p
And I wouldn't have done it without ALL of those comments (thanks guys!)
Anyone disagree of me having bangs? Don't worry. You'll get used to it :)
Happy weekend everyone!
So, I cut my bags last week. Many people asked me why suddenly I cut my hair and gave myself a totally different look. The truth is, it was not that sudden. I am a quite a planner and thinker. It takes me weeks to think whether I am going to buy a pair of shoes or not. Moreover, this is about my hair. I have thought about it since last year, googled it every night, asked for opinions from hairdressers, family, friends, and colleagues. The point is, I took me quite a long time before I finally gathered my courage to cut my bangs.
Since I was in junior high school, I know that having a bad haircut is every girl's nightmare. I remember cutting my hair into a bob haircut and I couldn't sleep just because I was scared of entering my classroom in the morning and turned out my classmates did not like my haircut. Well, actually it was not "they did not like my new haircut" but it was more "they gave negative comments about my new haircut" that terrified me the most. I think it is going to be nicer that even though they do not like my new haircut, they ignore it, and keep silent about it. But you can't stop it. Here, people like to talk about each other, and a new haircut is everyone's favorite.
The same thing is happening to me now. The difference is, I am already ready about whatever people are going to say about my bangs. At least, I told myself so. However, it was not easy. I have received quite a lot of diverse comments ever since I cut my bangs and some comments are still too hard to swallow.
After finding a good moment to reflect to myself, I realized that I should not be angry or upset about what people say about my bangs or my life. First, it is their rights to give comments about anything, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Second, it is MY LIFE. My decision. You know, people are going to either love you or hate you. So, why don't you do anything you want to do in your life? Without being afraid of what others may think or talk about? I know it's hard when our definition of success and happiness is being defined by the society. But let's try with ourselves, our life, and our own definition of being happy :)
I cut my bangs last week and I am thrilled to see how cutting my bangs lead me to this kind of thought :p
And I wouldn't have done it without ALL of those comments (thanks guys!)
Anyone disagree of me having bangs? Don't worry. You'll get used to it :)
Happy weekend everyone!
Sunday, 12 March 2017
A Bubbly Diary
Found some old pieces of writing in my laptop. Thought I'd post it here, just for a reminder about how I felt on that day. Here they are....
And I still miss my home now :)
September 17th, 2015
As I was searching for ideas for my final project,
listening clearly to this Disney song Part
of the World. And suddenly this thought came through. That my life goes on
really fast, and all I can do is just realizing how much time that I have
missed. How many opportunities gone in a flash of light. I am now 23 and I
don’t even know what I really want to do in life.
One statement from Uber driver that I rode yesterday morning
tickled me, he said: I always said to my daughters who are now in college, do
not attempt high for career, but first find yourself a good man. Once you find
a responsible and good-mannered man, your life will be like in heaven. This
goes in ryhtm with what one of my seniors said: be careful if you focus too
much on your career, time goes fast and suddenly boom! You’re almost 30 and you
realize that you’re still alone.
I see that those comments have points. Maybe all I need
right now is a good man. After all, I am just an ordinary woman who would love
get married, have children, raise them, and enjoy my retirement with good
pension. But how? It’s been so long since I last dated someone that I actually
fond of that I don’t even know where to start (and even how to flirt).
One old friend of my mom said that: a woman however, should
have freedom to choose what they want to do, and there is nothing wrong if they
want to aim higher in career, then she is good enough to find herself a
comparably good man as a partner. That makes more sense in my situation, I
guess.
However, the reason that I start writing after long time, is
that I hope to publish this someday. Maybe juts on my blog, but I feel like I
have to start pouring my thoughts and ideas. Who knows that someday they might
be heard and accomplished.
A colleague had once this passion assessment done to me, and
he said that I should be working in creative industry. He said that I should
start writing my ideas, because he saw my potential to be a script-writer. He
also encouraged me to start joining communities as it may help me to reach what
I actually want to do in life. So lately, I’ve been thinking about it and I
decided to give it a try. I even think to study literature/art/films abroad. I
mean, dream while you can still dream, take risks while you’re still young.
Because when you get old, you have the tendency to avoid risks and play safe.
I honestly don’t know if this writing will be a piece of
rubbish or will it become true. Well, we’ll see J
September 24th, 2015
I guess it is the mixture of homesick, sick all of this
project, and not knowing what to do. I know I shouldn’t feel sick about my
work. I should be grateful instead, because many of my friends and relatives
are struggling to find jobs, and working in one of the biggest company in
Indonesia, surrounded by nice and helpful colleagues, I should be thankful, not
grumpy, right?
I guess it’s homesick, then. I miss home. Period. No
explanation needed. I miss hanging out with my family, only four of us. I miss
little fights we do at home. I miss debating with my mom. I even miss her
questioning me about my love life, which is annoying sometimes. I miss my
parents scold me about waking up early and doing my chores at home. But what
should I do? I will only go back home in December for about a week. And I
realize that it is my own choice to move to Jakarta and go for a better career.
My dad has offered and directed me to stay and work at my hometown, but I
refused it.
I was taking that decision because I want to prove and show
everyone that I am a NOT homy, introverted, shy girl who is afraid to take
risks. This time I AM TAKING THE CHANCE. Because I realize there are so many
opportunities that I have turned down, because I think I don’t deserve it, I
cant do it, I have limitations, I am not that good, and other bullshit reasons.
So that is my own choice, but I never know it would be this
heavy for me to handle it alone. So I guess it’s normal for me to miss home.
And I miss home. So much. Period.
And I still miss my home now :)
Saturday, 4 March 2017
The Privilege of Being "Anak Kos"
Saya tidak menyangka akan menulis tentang hal ini dua tahun yang lalu. Rasanya baru kemarin saya keliling kompleks dan keluar masuk gang untuk mencari kamar kos yang senyaman mungkin. Dasar baru pertama kali ngekos, setiap kamar kos yang saya kunjungi rasanya selalu aja ada yang kurang, mungkin karena perbandingannya adalah kamar saya di rumah yang sudah saya tinggali selama 10 tahun lebih.
Masih teringat jelas susahnya pindahan, susahnya nyari lokasi di kamar yang kenceng sinyalnya, betenya kalau shower tiba-tiba mampet, sedihnya kalau pas hujan dan lagi ngga nyimpen makanan di kos, keselnya kalau baju cucian kita ketuker sama kamar sebelah, dan banyak alasan yang bikin saya mempertanyakan keputusan saya untuk tinggal jauh dari orang tua, jadi anak rantau, dan jadi anak kos.
But now when I look back on those moments, there are more reasons I am grateful to be "anak kos".
Jadi anak kos bikin saya akrab sama temen-temen saya sesama MT yang ngekos juga, karena pulang kantor kami biasanya makan malam bareng, olahraga bareng, bahkan belajar bareng buat kuis. Saya sering ngebayangin seandainya saya ngga nge-kos, after office langsung pulang, pulang malem dikit ditanyain orang rumah, dan karena pada dasarnya saya anaknya introvert, dijamin saya akan makin lama adaptasi sama temen-temen kantor.
Jadi anak kos bikin saya tau hal-hal di luar zona nyaman saya, hal-hal yang mungkin kalau orang tua saya tau saya kemana dan ngapain aja, pasti sebisa mungkin dilarang. But again, jadi anak kos melatih saya untuk dewasa, untuk bisa ambil pertimbangan dan keputusan buat diri sendiri, termasuk untuk bisa jaga diri. Keputusan untuk hal-hal kecil dan simpel, as simple as deciding what to eat today, sekarang saya harus putuskan sendiri. Dalam mengambil keputusan itu, ngga jarang saya salah, nyesel, dan khilaf. Tapi disitulah saya belajar. Bahwa setiap keputusan yang saya ambil, sekecil apapun itu, ada konsekuensi-nya. Supaya ngga salah lagi untuk kedua kalinya dan untuk mencegah saya salah ambil keputusan, saya harus belajar. This is the survival rule of being "Anak Kos".
Setelah saya belajar jadi anak kos, yang dulunya saya apatis banget soal harga belanja di supermarket, jadi harus inget dikit-dikit harga barang yang saya beli. Saya tahu kalau beli tissue di supermarket A lebih mahal, daripada di Supermarket B. Saya tahu kalau beli deterjen yang warna pink atau biru, dan lain-lain. Hal-hal yang saya yakin kalau saya ngga merantau jauh dari orang tua, I would less likely know that.
Jadi anak kos juga melatih saya untuk bertanggung jawab, kalau teledor atau ceroboh lalu barang ada yang hilang/ ketinggalan, harus bisa ngurus sendiri, repot sendiri, dan sedih sendiri (malu kalau cerita ke orang rumah, yang ada malah dimarahin). Udah jadi rahasia umum juga, kalau jadi anak kos juga artinya belajar mandiri, apalagi yang udah berpenghasilan. Jadi kalau di akhir bulan duit menipis karena kebanyakan hedon, juga harus tanggung jawab untuk ngirit entah gimana caranya bisa bertahan sampai hari gajian tanpa minta ke orang tua. Intinya, saya ngga nyangka jadi anak kos benefitnya banyak juga, mulai dari yang duniawi, jasmani, dan rohani.
Walaupun kadang masih merindukan kehangatan dan nyamannya tinggal di rumah sendiri, tapi saya ngga nyesel memilih untuk menjadi anak rantau. Because once in your lifetime, you have to try to get out of your comfort zone. No matter how comfortable that is. That is the only way you know how capable you are to conquer the outside world. Kalau saya ngga merantau ke Jakarta, saya ngga akan tahu kalau saya bisa survive sampai sejauh ini, kalau saya yang dulunya cuek dan apatis ini bisa kerja di bidang HR yang people-oriented, kalau saya yang sering remidi ulangan matematika ini bisa mengolah data statistik yang cukup rumit as part of my job description, kalau saya yang paling ngantuk saat pelajaran komputer ini bisa bikin coding macro visual basic untuk sebuah aplikasi. The point is, you will never know what you are capable of until you're being pushed to do it.
Jadi, ketika sekarang saya merasa menemukan kembali zona nyaman saya, saya tahu sekaranglah saat saya bertanya kembali pada diri saya, apakah saya mau tetap tinggal di zona nyaman ini, atau kembali mencari kesempatan dan tantangan untuk bisa membuktikan diri saya? Bukan keputusan yang mudah memang ketika kita mau ambil resiko untuk keluar dari zona nyaman, tetapi saya lebih takut menyesal ketika saya melewatkan kesempatan di usia saya yang sekarang ini, because they say, we should be making many mistakes while we are young.
Back to our topic, selamat buat temen-temen yang punya kesempatan merantau jauh dari orang tua dan jadi anak kos, I know it is hard at first, but it will get easier somehow. I am proud to be "Anak Kos" and you should be :)
Masih teringat jelas susahnya pindahan, susahnya nyari lokasi di kamar yang kenceng sinyalnya, betenya kalau shower tiba-tiba mampet, sedihnya kalau pas hujan dan lagi ngga nyimpen makanan di kos, keselnya kalau baju cucian kita ketuker sama kamar sebelah, dan banyak alasan yang bikin saya mempertanyakan keputusan saya untuk tinggal jauh dari orang tua, jadi anak rantau, dan jadi anak kos.
But now when I look back on those moments, there are more reasons I am grateful to be "anak kos".
Jadi anak kos bikin saya akrab sama temen-temen saya sesama MT yang ngekos juga, karena pulang kantor kami biasanya makan malam bareng, olahraga bareng, bahkan belajar bareng buat kuis. Saya sering ngebayangin seandainya saya ngga nge-kos, after office langsung pulang, pulang malem dikit ditanyain orang rumah, dan karena pada dasarnya saya anaknya introvert, dijamin saya akan makin lama adaptasi sama temen-temen kantor.
Jadi anak kos bikin saya tau hal-hal di luar zona nyaman saya, hal-hal yang mungkin kalau orang tua saya tau saya kemana dan ngapain aja, pasti sebisa mungkin dilarang. But again, jadi anak kos melatih saya untuk dewasa, untuk bisa ambil pertimbangan dan keputusan buat diri sendiri, termasuk untuk bisa jaga diri. Keputusan untuk hal-hal kecil dan simpel, as simple as deciding what to eat today, sekarang saya harus putuskan sendiri. Dalam mengambil keputusan itu, ngga jarang saya salah, nyesel, dan khilaf. Tapi disitulah saya belajar. Bahwa setiap keputusan yang saya ambil, sekecil apapun itu, ada konsekuensi-nya. Supaya ngga salah lagi untuk kedua kalinya dan untuk mencegah saya salah ambil keputusan, saya harus belajar. This is the survival rule of being "Anak Kos".
Setelah saya belajar jadi anak kos, yang dulunya saya apatis banget soal harga belanja di supermarket, jadi harus inget dikit-dikit harga barang yang saya beli. Saya tahu kalau beli tissue di supermarket A lebih mahal, daripada di Supermarket B. Saya tahu kalau beli deterjen yang warna pink atau biru, dan lain-lain. Hal-hal yang saya yakin kalau saya ngga merantau jauh dari orang tua, I would less likely know that.
Jadi anak kos juga melatih saya untuk bertanggung jawab, kalau teledor atau ceroboh lalu barang ada yang hilang/ ketinggalan, harus bisa ngurus sendiri, repot sendiri, dan sedih sendiri (malu kalau cerita ke orang rumah, yang ada malah dimarahin). Udah jadi rahasia umum juga, kalau jadi anak kos juga artinya belajar mandiri, apalagi yang udah berpenghasilan. Jadi kalau di akhir bulan duit menipis karena kebanyakan hedon, juga harus tanggung jawab untuk ngirit entah gimana caranya bisa bertahan sampai hari gajian tanpa minta ke orang tua. Intinya, saya ngga nyangka jadi anak kos benefitnya banyak juga, mulai dari yang duniawi, jasmani, dan rohani.
Walaupun kadang masih merindukan kehangatan dan nyamannya tinggal di rumah sendiri, tapi saya ngga nyesel memilih untuk menjadi anak rantau. Because once in your lifetime, you have to try to get out of your comfort zone. No matter how comfortable that is. That is the only way you know how capable you are to conquer the outside world. Kalau saya ngga merantau ke Jakarta, saya ngga akan tahu kalau saya bisa survive sampai sejauh ini, kalau saya yang dulunya cuek dan apatis ini bisa kerja di bidang HR yang people-oriented, kalau saya yang sering remidi ulangan matematika ini bisa mengolah data statistik yang cukup rumit as part of my job description, kalau saya yang paling ngantuk saat pelajaran komputer ini bisa bikin coding macro visual basic untuk sebuah aplikasi. The point is, you will never know what you are capable of until you're being pushed to do it.
Jadi, ketika sekarang saya merasa menemukan kembali zona nyaman saya, saya tahu sekaranglah saat saya bertanya kembali pada diri saya, apakah saya mau tetap tinggal di zona nyaman ini, atau kembali mencari kesempatan dan tantangan untuk bisa membuktikan diri saya? Bukan keputusan yang mudah memang ketika kita mau ambil resiko untuk keluar dari zona nyaman, tetapi saya lebih takut menyesal ketika saya melewatkan kesempatan di usia saya yang sekarang ini, because they say, we should be making many mistakes while we are young.
Back to our topic, selamat buat temen-temen yang punya kesempatan merantau jauh dari orang tua dan jadi anak kos, I know it is hard at first, but it will get easier somehow. I am proud to be "Anak Kos" and you should be :)
Wednesday, 18 January 2017
DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN FOR A REASON?
I used to like the saying "Everything happens for a reason"
But, recently I wonder: what if there is no reason for something to happen?
I mean, do you need a reason to love someone?
Do you need a reason to dislike someone?
Do you need a reason to be suddenly happy?
And do you really need a reason feel bad about yourself?
When unexpected things happen in my life, and I can not understand why.
I hope, pray, and kinda wait for "A Reason" to show up and explain everything.
But when it never comes, I try to explain it myself, and wait for "Another Reason" to come up and so I can deal with everything.
But it never does.
So, what am I supposed to do? Wait again? Waiting is painful. Painful especially when do not know what are you waiting for, and when you are finished. You do not know whether you wait for a good thing to show up, or just another painful life lesson. Or is the wait itself the answer and the reason?
I do not know about you, pals but I have decided that my wait is over.
I am so done with waiting or whatever life is going to teach me about patience & endurance.
I am bound to take action with my life because I will feel so bad, not using everything I can and everything I have, to do something about my life.
Something that makes me happy, happy as a living one, content as a human being, and proud as His daughter.
For I believe that happiness is simple, but feeling happy is totally your choice.
So, if some insist to know my reasons beyond the decisions I have made or will make, there is only one: Because I, as much the same as others, want to be happy :)
But, recently I wonder: what if there is no reason for something to happen?
I mean, do you need a reason to love someone?
Do you need a reason to dislike someone?
Do you need a reason to be suddenly happy?
And do you really need a reason feel bad about yourself?
When unexpected things happen in my life, and I can not understand why.
I hope, pray, and kinda wait for "A Reason" to show up and explain everything.
But when it never comes, I try to explain it myself, and wait for "Another Reason" to come up and so I can deal with everything.
But it never does.
So, what am I supposed to do? Wait again? Waiting is painful. Painful especially when do not know what are you waiting for, and when you are finished. You do not know whether you wait for a good thing to show up, or just another painful life lesson. Or is the wait itself the answer and the reason?
I do not know about you, pals but I have decided that my wait is over.
I am so done with waiting or whatever life is going to teach me about patience & endurance.
I am bound to take action with my life because I will feel so bad, not using everything I can and everything I have, to do something about my life.
Something that makes me happy, happy as a living one, content as a human being, and proud as His daughter.
For I believe that happiness is simple, but feeling happy is totally your choice.
So, if some insist to know my reasons beyond the decisions I have made or will make, there is only one: Because I, as much the same as others, want to be happy :)
The Ugly Truth
If there is a thing I realize when I am being an adult, is that "life does not work 'that' way."
And by 'that' I mean: 'that kind', 'that generous', 'that nice', 'that easy', etc.
The point is you don't always get what you want in life.
You work so hard, but there is always someone who does better.
You be so kind, but there is always someone who is more like-able.
You give so much, but there is always someone who receives more.
You pray so often, but there is always someone who gets better luck.
Not such a surprise eh?
Life won't treat you kind. No, it won't.
Life gives you lessons. Lessons that are never be taught by your parents & teachers.
But those life lessons can be tough, they can make you crack, break down like a wall. They can tear you up, make you scream out of your lungs, cry like a baby, get you begging worse than a beggar. But life can also make you smile, wider than anything you ever know, laugh like a lunatic, and wonder what have you done in the past, that makes you lucky enough to feel all of those emotions.
Life is full of surprises. Sometimes so cliche that you ever think that God may play a joke on you.
Life is impossible to be explained and understood, unless you go through it yourself.
A nice reminder not to judge on others.
Maybe I am being mellow, but if you feel that life is being hard on you, just know that you are not alone.
Monday, 12 December 2016
A Reason To Resign
It's the most wonderful time of the year, they say. Christmas's coming, discounts are everywhere, and for corporate officers like me, the end of the year is all about performance appraisal and bonus.
So, while waiting for that time to come, I will not deny the fact, that just like everyone else, these times are the times when I feel I should decide, whether next year I will be staying in this same office, doing the same job, report to the same boss, etc. According to the data, in the beginning of the year (after year-end bonus), people are most likely to hand over their resignation letters.
I would like to sum up some of the main points (at least in my point of view), that we can consider before we choose to shift to another career option. It all depends on what we are looking for at work:
1. Financial Security
a.k.a money.
I think this is the main focus of typical married man with kids. The amount of income, the stability of company's financial condition, and other facilities, like medical coverage become their main reason to survive or to move to other place.
2. Your Job, Your Pride
This is the second most popular reason why people work. I mean, there is even a saying: If you love what you do, then you will never feel that you have to work. However, it is also the hardest example to find. How many colleagues you find at work, who actually claim that they LOVE what they do?
For some people, the job they have, the title/ position they're sitting at, the company they serve, and the office location they go to everyday can be their main reason to continue working or to resign. I don't know about you, but it feels so good when my friends ask me where I work at, and I can answer those questions proudly.
3. Leadership
Unlike two points above, leadership is the factor that you can not know or choose from the beginning. But having a good boss can really determine everything. From your career ladder, your development (both technical & soft skill), your mood to work, and finally your reason to resign.
4. Promotion/ Career
As what is prescribed in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, people need to actualize themselves and for grown-ups, it can be done through your work. The complimentary part after self-actualization is getting recognized. Rewards, awards, and promotions, are very important to retain the employees to say, stay & strive.
5. Environment/ Culture
Last but never least, is the working environment/ culture. Culture is definitely one of the most important aspect of a company. Bad or unfavorable culture can cause unhappy & unproductive employees, dissatisfied customers, and eventually, ineffective company's business. Ironically, culture is tangible, you can not see it, but you can feel it. That's what makes it harder to fix an unfavorable culture. It takes tremendous effort, time, and strong management commitment to produce a healthy & favorable culture.
In addition, we should never forget that now we have millenials at work, who, as far as I am concerned, shift their jobs every 1-2 years. Makes employee engagement more challenging than ever.
So, for those who are thinking of resign and move to other career plans, make sure you know your focus at work. Remember that every workplace has their positives and negatives. It definitely a challenge for us, to find the most suitable ones. After all, life is a choice, make yours and be proud about it.
References:
http://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/081015/8-reasons-why-valued-employees-quit.asp
http://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjackson/2014/05/11/the-top-8-reasons-your-best-people-are-about-to-quit-and-how-you-can-keep-them/#5129e0ca719b
http://www.forbes.com/sites/joshbersin/2015/03/13/culture-why-its-the-hottest-topic-in-business-today/#6934f77cb6e2
So, while waiting for that time to come, I will not deny the fact, that just like everyone else, these times are the times when I feel I should decide, whether next year I will be staying in this same office, doing the same job, report to the same boss, etc. According to the data, in the beginning of the year (after year-end bonus), people are most likely to hand over their resignation letters.
I would like to sum up some of the main points (at least in my point of view), that we can consider before we choose to shift to another career option. It all depends on what we are looking for at work:
1. Financial Security
a.k.a money.
I think this is the main focus of typical married man with kids. The amount of income, the stability of company's financial condition, and other facilities, like medical coverage become their main reason to survive or to move to other place.
2. Your Job, Your Pride
This is the second most popular reason why people work. I mean, there is even a saying: If you love what you do, then you will never feel that you have to work. However, it is also the hardest example to find. How many colleagues you find at work, who actually claim that they LOVE what they do?
For some people, the job they have, the title/ position they're sitting at, the company they serve, and the office location they go to everyday can be their main reason to continue working or to resign. I don't know about you, but it feels so good when my friends ask me where I work at, and I can answer those questions proudly.
3. Leadership
Unlike two points above, leadership is the factor that you can not know or choose from the beginning. But having a good boss can really determine everything. From your career ladder, your development (both technical & soft skill), your mood to work, and finally your reason to resign.
4. Promotion/ Career
As what is prescribed in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, people need to actualize themselves and for grown-ups, it can be done through your work. The complimentary part after self-actualization is getting recognized. Rewards, awards, and promotions, are very important to retain the employees to say, stay & strive.
5. Environment/ Culture
Last but never least, is the working environment/ culture. Culture is definitely one of the most important aspect of a company. Bad or unfavorable culture can cause unhappy & unproductive employees, dissatisfied customers, and eventually, ineffective company's business. Ironically, culture is tangible, you can not see it, but you can feel it. That's what makes it harder to fix an unfavorable culture. It takes tremendous effort, time, and strong management commitment to produce a healthy & favorable culture.
In addition, we should never forget that now we have millenials at work, who, as far as I am concerned, shift their jobs every 1-2 years. Makes employee engagement more challenging than ever.
So, for those who are thinking of resign and move to other career plans, make sure you know your focus at work. Remember that every workplace has their positives and negatives. It definitely a challenge for us, to find the most suitable ones. After all, life is a choice, make yours and be proud about it.
References:
http://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/081015/8-reasons-why-valued-employees-quit.asp
http://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjackson/2014/05/11/the-top-8-reasons-your-best-people-are-about-to-quit-and-how-you-can-keep-them/#5129e0ca719b
http://www.forbes.com/sites/joshbersin/2015/03/13/culture-why-its-the-hottest-topic-in-business-today/#6934f77cb6e2
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
Life is Tough, But ...
I am writing this blog live from my office desk. It is Wednesday, middle of the week, caught in the frustrating documents and demanding tasks (not to mention certain people), and I feel like writing a blog while listening to Yiruma will actually decrease this upset feeling.
I do not know if it is normal to feel upset just because of the small things. Like overheard someone talking about you, in quite a negative way. I don't get upset easily, but I do now. I feel more disappointed because I feel like I am being judged regardless of whatever reasons I have.
Sadly, it has been an ugly truth, a general knowledge that Life is Never Fair. Fairness in the workplace is even harder to see. Your colleagues get recruited, promoted, appreciated, not because of their competencies & achievements, but because of whatever reasons the bosses think they deserve.
I don't blame them or the system. Performance appraisal is always subjective.
Though it is tough, there is one thing to know for sure: Do Not Let Anyone Get In The Way Of Your Happiness. Life is tough to you, and so it is to everyone else. But, the good news is: you can decide your own happiness by deciding your reaction. I have decided to be happy and to embrace all the life lessons given in this life.
Life is never fair. That's what makes it fair. So, choose wisely :)
Friday, 4 November 2016
It was not T.G.I.F, it was Thanks God I'm Safe.
Been a while since I lasted updated my blog. Only in this middle of Jakarta's chaos, I managed to have some time to write. Although my mom warned me all the time to stay in my boarding house during weekend (she even forbade me to go to church), I could not stand the loneliness. So here I am, sitting comfortably in the nearest coffee shop, with my long-term-companion (read: laptop), earphones on both sides, and iced vanilla latte.
I will probably just mumble, because I don't have anything to write in particular.
Okay, I will talk a bit about yesterday's demonstration. I do not know much about the politics behind it. At first, all I care was whether my office would declare it as a day-off or not (sadly, it wasn't). I remain calm, though I read all of those articles, and know that my family in Surabaya would feel anxious about it. I don't blame them. As a former student who studied mass media. I know sometimes the media exaggerate, whether it is only for the title or the pictures. Bad news is good news.
I was accompanying my friends to shop for her wedding day, when I realized that the terror got worse. Burnt cars, robbed store, and the use of tear gas to help calming the actors. I got home late that night and directly turned the tv on, feeling afraid that some '98 events repeated. The images shown are quite terrifying. no wonder even my dad, called me twice that night to make sure I am okay.
I don't know what should I write, Is it about the impacts of media that spread some words of Ahok and eventually outrage some people? Is it about Ahok's words itself that are sometimes controversial? I mean, he should know better that he has enemies, spying on every step he takes and every word he says.
But instead of blaming him, I sympathize him. And his family. I wonder how they cope with this terror everyday. Surely this is not the first time. It is true up to a point, that he has supporters. But how do you live with the facts that there are so many people dislike you, that they can potentially hurt the innocent people with the same race and religion like you? Sounds like a korean historical drama I've been watching recently :p
All in all, I pray for Indonesia, I pray for the maturity of the people and for the peaceful democracy.
(Just like Martin Luther King Jr. said) I have a dream that someday, we will be able to freely choose our leader, in spite of his/her race, gender, and religion.
Though again, I am just mumbling, and this writing is nothing in particular.
Sunday, 2 October 2016
The Job
Hey there! Been quite long since I last posted. Due to the planning cycle at my office, I have been kept really busy and overloaded. I haven't finished the book I promised to review, soo in this opportunity, I thought I will share a little bit about my job, and the section I am currently working.
Well, I worked as an Organization Development (OD) analyst/ officer. I know, it is an abstract title. I did not know what that word means a year ago. In the office, I belong to HR division, but OD mostly talks about the system rather than the people in an organization. In some companies, though, OD doesn't always belong to HR, it can be a part of corporate function, like corporate planning function, etc.
So what does an OD do? well, I will tell you based on the ideal theory I got during my in-class-training.
1. Business Process Mapping
There are hundreds of definition of what Business Process Management is, but I'm going to give you a simple one. It is actually mapping out workflow process, as effective, efficient & as adaptive as the company wants. Every company has a business process, whether it is documented or not. For example in my company, as a leasing company our major business process is: Sales - Credit - Service - Collection. Business process comes down from company's strategy, vision & mission, and WBAWI (What Business Are We In).
As an OD, we need to map out business process in each function (it's called minor business process), measure its effectiveness and improve them, to be more efficient & effective than before. In fact, having an adaptive business process can be a huge competitive advantage for a company.
2. Competency Management
After we map out a clear business process, we can know what core competencies the company need. To survive, an organization needs to have capable people and therefore we need to determine what are the core competency that the people in the organization need to master. Then, we can recruit the right people in the right place.
3. Organization Management
Along with competency management, OD has to create the organization structure, the positions equipped with clear job descriptions, Key Performance Indicators (KPIs), and the position rank in the company (Job Value). KPI determines how a position holder's performance will be evaluated. Job Value determines the position's rank among any other positions, whether that position can be assigned to a bachelor degree fresh graduates, or an experienced professional, and job value also determines the starting salary and the top-stop salary for the position holders.
4. Productivity Management
Last but not least, OD needs to plan the resources needed to do all the jobs designed above. First, we need to determine how many people is enough to hold each position. We can do it by determining productivity standard, measuring the workload in the positions, and analyzing the target for each position, and also, the long part: discussing it with the users (authorized positions, usually the head of the position).
Regularly, OD has to review, analyze & improve people productivity. Because the business is getting tougher, the company wants to be more efficient, but the salary has to increase, so the resources need to be more productive. Annually, we have to do "manpower planning", a process to plan the number of people needed in the organization. A number that is enough to achieve the sales target, but also enough to make the company profit. And this is the hardest part, that consumes most of my life in these months. Often, OD get stucked between the operation target that needs as many people as needed to achieve the target, while the finance function demands the number to be "as small as possible" to fit in the profitability report. And it happens every year.
God, it is Sunday and I am writing about my job to you all. A good reminder before Monday, I guess.
Cheer up, Monday People!
Well, I worked as an Organization Development (OD) analyst/ officer. I know, it is an abstract title. I did not know what that word means a year ago. In the office, I belong to HR division, but OD mostly talks about the system rather than the people in an organization. In some companies, though, OD doesn't always belong to HR, it can be a part of corporate function, like corporate planning function, etc.
So what does an OD do? well, I will tell you based on the ideal theory I got during my in-class-training.
1. Business Process Mapping
There are hundreds of definition of what Business Process Management is, but I'm going to give you a simple one. It is actually mapping out workflow process, as effective, efficient & as adaptive as the company wants. Every company has a business process, whether it is documented or not. For example in my company, as a leasing company our major business process is: Sales - Credit - Service - Collection. Business process comes down from company's strategy, vision & mission, and WBAWI (What Business Are We In).
As an OD, we need to map out business process in each function (it's called minor business process), measure its effectiveness and improve them, to be more efficient & effective than before. In fact, having an adaptive business process can be a huge competitive advantage for a company.
2. Competency Management
After we map out a clear business process, we can know what core competencies the company need. To survive, an organization needs to have capable people and therefore we need to determine what are the core competency that the people in the organization need to master. Then, we can recruit the right people in the right place.
3. Organization Management
Along with competency management, OD has to create the organization structure, the positions equipped with clear job descriptions, Key Performance Indicators (KPIs), and the position rank in the company (Job Value). KPI determines how a position holder's performance will be evaluated. Job Value determines the position's rank among any other positions, whether that position can be assigned to a bachelor degree fresh graduates, or an experienced professional, and job value also determines the starting salary and the top-stop salary for the position holders.
4. Productivity Management
Last but not least, OD needs to plan the resources needed to do all the jobs designed above. First, we need to determine how many people is enough to hold each position. We can do it by determining productivity standard, measuring the workload in the positions, and analyzing the target for each position, and also, the long part: discussing it with the users (authorized positions, usually the head of the position).
Regularly, OD has to review, analyze & improve people productivity. Because the business is getting tougher, the company wants to be more efficient, but the salary has to increase, so the resources need to be more productive. Annually, we have to do "manpower planning", a process to plan the number of people needed in the organization. A number that is enough to achieve the sales target, but also enough to make the company profit. And this is the hardest part, that consumes most of my life in these months. Often, OD get stucked between the operation target that needs as many people as needed to achieve the target, while the finance function demands the number to be "as small as possible" to fit in the profitability report. And it happens every year.
God, it is Sunday and I am writing about my job to you all. A good reminder before Monday, I guess.
Cheer up, Monday People!
Tuesday, 13 September 2016
I am 24 and I don't know what to do in my life: Am I Normal?
I woke up this morning and I am frightened. I am scared to face this day, and what scares me the most is the fact that I no longer have goals in my life. I am in a phase that people call as a mid-life crisis.
I think this is the right time for me, as an adult to really think about what I want to do in life. Last year, a senior colleague of mine, told me and several fresh graduates to write down 30 things we want to achieve in the next 10 years. And I write a lot, like being a career woman in a multinational company, get married, start a family, build a big house and a car, run a small-owned business that I can manage while taking care of my children, travel to foreign countries once a year, and many more. I think it was quite a realistic dream at that time.
However, as time goes by, and BOOM suddenly I turned 24 this year, and I am terrified that my life would not go accordingly to what I have planned before. I am not saying that I am not happy right now. I have got a job in a big company, which is a part of a world-well-known company. I have fun colleagues at work and massive career & development opportunities. My parents are happy and healthy, and though I have to work far from home, I always have the resources (money and time) to come back home. So what can go wrong with all of those?
I know, I should be giving thanks instead of complaining. And I do. And I am not complaining at all. But what I mean is, I just don't know what to do next. I don't know whether I am going to stay working in this field or not (because it is far from what I have learnt in college). I don't know if I am living my dream or I am just wasting time. I feel bored sometimes, and I have asked myself whether I would be happy doing this kind of job for like 5 years. And I though the answer is no. But again, I don't know if feeling bored would be normal for employees like me. I guess I am just being envious of those people who claimed that they love what they do, because it is their passion.
But is working by your passion really exists, or is it just a trap, because all works eventually require endurance & patience?
Sometimes I think that I'd like to take up new skills, by joining courses and I even think about going back to college for my master degree. But again, I am lost. I don't which course or major would be enjoyable and at the same time beneficial for me and my future career.
The second thing that makes me petrified is that I am seeing a lot of my friend getting married, being pregnant, or even getting proposed by their boyfriends. 5 years ago, I would say that I am optimistic to get married at 25-27. But hey again, I am not seeing anyone right now so I am sooo afraid that I would not be able to have my plans done. I am tired of seeing those quotes of finding the right ones. I just can't seem to find one. And this makes me feel lost because I thought at this age, I would be busy planning about my future family.
I would really appreciate if you share you experiences here. But let me tell you this one thing: Take a deep breath. You are normal. It is okay to feel confused. And lost. And sad. And afraid.
You know, not everything will go according to our plans. The world doesn't happen that way. If you really want something, then work for it,
I think it is time for us, to plan our life out (again), and this time make it work. I am thinking hard, too right now. One of my friends who study psychologist, taught me to find what my passion is. It consists of 4 tangling circles like this, well back then he just taught me 2 of those (what you're great at & what you love).
You may use it as your guidance, as I will too. Just one last thing to remember: It is okay to be confused and afraid. We just start figuring out what our lives can be. Keep calm and let's conquer the world!
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