A Bubbly Diary

Found some old pieces of writing in my laptop. Thought I'd post it here, just for a reminder about how I felt on that day. Here they are....

September 17^th, 2015 

As I  was searching for ideas for my final project, listening clearly to this Disney song Part of the World. And suddenly this thought came through. That my life goes on really fast, and all I can do is just realizing how much time that I have missed. How many opportunities gone in a flash of light. I am now 23 and I don’t even know what I really want to do in life.

One statement from Uber driver that I rode yesterday morning tickled me, he said: I always said to my daughters who are now in college, do not attempt high for career, but first find yourself a good man. Once you find a responsible and good-mannered man, your life will be like in heaven. This goes in ryhtm with what one of my seniors said: be careful if you focus too much on your career, time goes fast and suddenly boom! You’re almost 30 and you realize that you’re still alone.

I see that those comments have points. Maybe all I need right now is a good man. After all, I am just an ordinary woman who would love get married, have children, raise them, and enjoy my retirement with good pension. But how? It’s been so long since I last dated someone that I actually fond of that I don’t even know where to start (and even how to flirt).

One old friend of my mom said that: a woman however, should have freedom to choose what they want to do, and there is nothing wrong if they want to aim higher in career, then she is good enough to find herself a comparably good man as a partner. That makes more sense in my situation, I guess.

However, the reason that I start writing after long time, is that I hope to publish this someday. Maybe juts on my blog, but I feel like I have to start pouring my thoughts and ideas. Who knows that someday they might be heard and accomplished.

A colleague had once this passion assessment done to me, and he said that I should be working in creative industry. He said that I should start writing my ideas, because he saw my potential to be a script-writer. He also encouraged me to start joining communities as it may help me to reach what I actually want to do in life. So lately, I’ve been thinking about it and I decided to give it a try. I even think to study literature/art/films abroad. I mean, dream while you can still dream, take risks while you’re still young. Because when you get old, you have the tendency to avoid risks and play safe.

I honestly don’t know if this writing will be a piece of rubbish or will it become true. Well, we’ll see J

September 24th, 2015 

I guess it is the mixture of homesick, sick all of this project, and not knowing what to do. I know I shouldn’t feel sick about my work. I should be grateful instead, because many of my friends and relatives are struggling to find jobs, and working in one of the biggest company in Indonesia, surrounded by nice and helpful colleagues, I should be thankful, not grumpy, right?

I guess it’s homesick, then. I miss home. Period. No explanation needed. I miss hanging out with my family, only four of us. I miss little fights we do at home. I miss debating with my mom. I even miss her questioning me about my love life, which is annoying sometimes. I miss my parents scold me about waking up early and doing my chores at home. But what should I do? I will only go back home in December for about a week. And I realize that it is my own choice to move to Jakarta and go for a better career. My dad has offered and directed me to stay and work at my hometown, but I refused it.

I was taking that decision because I want to prove and show everyone that I am a NOT homy, introverted, shy girl who is afraid to take risks. This time I AM TAKING THE CHANCE. Because I realize there are so many opportunities that I have turned down, because I think I don’t deserve it, I cant do it, I have limitations, I am not that good, and other bullshit reasons.

So that is my own choice, but I never know it would be this heavy for me to handle it alone. So I guess it’s normal for me to miss home. And I miss home. So much. Period. 

And I still miss my home now :)

The Privilege of Being "Anak Kos"

Saya tidak menyangka akan menulis tentang hal ini dua tahun yang lalu. Rasanya baru kemarin saya keliling kompleks dan keluar masuk gang untuk mencari kamar kos yang senyaman mungkin. Dasar baru pertama kali ngekos, setiap kamar kos yang saya kunjungi rasanya selalu aja ada yang kurang, mungkin karena perbandingannya adalah kamar saya di rumah yang sudah saya tinggali selama 10 tahun lebih.

Masih teringat jelas susahnya pindahan, susahnya nyari lokasi di kamar yang kenceng sinyalnya, betenya kalau shower tiba-tiba mampet, sedihnya kalau pas hujan dan lagi ngga nyimpen makanan di kos, keselnya kalau baju cucian kita ketuker sama kamar sebelah, dan banyak alasan yang bikin saya mempertanyakan keputusan saya untuk tinggal jauh dari orang tua, jadi anak rantau, dan jadi anak kos.

But now when I look back on those moments, there are more reasons I am grateful to be "anak kos". 
Jadi anak kos bikin saya akrab sama temen-temen saya sesama MT yang ngekos juga, karena pulang kantor kami biasanya makan malam bareng, olahraga bareng, bahkan belajar bareng buat kuis. Saya sering ngebayangin seandainya saya ngga nge-kos, after office langsung pulang, pulang malem dikit ditanyain orang rumah, dan karena pada dasarnya saya anaknya introvert, dijamin saya akan makin lama adaptasi sama temen-temen kantor.

Jadi anak kos bikin saya tau hal-hal di luar zona nyaman saya, hal-hal yang mungkin kalau orang tua saya tau saya kemana dan ngapain aja, pasti sebisa mungkin dilarang. But again, jadi anak kos melatih saya untuk dewasa, untuk bisa ambil pertimbangan dan keputusan buat diri sendiri, termasuk untuk bisa jaga diri. Keputusan untuk hal-hal kecil dan simpel, as simple as deciding what to eat today, sekarang saya harus putuskan sendiri. Dalam mengambil keputusan itu, ngga jarang saya salah, nyesel, dan khilaf. Tapi disitulah saya belajar. Bahwa setiap keputusan yang saya ambil, sekecil apapun itu, ada konsekuensi-nya. Supaya ngga salah lagi untuk kedua kalinya dan untuk mencegah saya salah ambil keputusan, saya harus belajar. This is the survival rule of being "Anak Kos".

Setelah saya belajar jadi anak kos, yang dulunya saya apatis banget soal harga belanja di supermarket, jadi harus inget dikit-dikit harga barang yang saya beli. Saya tahu kalau beli tissue di supermarket A lebih mahal, daripada di Supermarket B. Saya tahu kalau beli deterjen yang warna pink atau biru, dan lain-lain. Hal-hal yang saya yakin kalau saya ngga merantau jauh dari orang tua, I would less likely know that.

Jadi anak kos juga melatih saya untuk bertanggung jawab, kalau teledor atau ceroboh lalu barang ada yang hilang/ ketinggalan, harus bisa ngurus sendiri, repot sendiri, dan sedih sendiri (malu kalau cerita ke orang rumah, yang ada malah dimarahin). Udah jadi rahasia umum juga, kalau jadi anak kos juga artinya belajar mandiri, apalagi yang udah berpenghasilan. Jadi kalau di akhir bulan duit menipis karena kebanyakan hedon, juga harus tanggung jawab untuk ngirit entah gimana caranya bisa bertahan sampai hari gajian tanpa minta ke orang tua. Intinya, saya ngga nyangka jadi anak kos benefitnya banyak juga, mulai dari yang duniawi, jasmani, dan rohani.

Walaupun kadang masih merindukan kehangatan dan nyamannya tinggal di rumah sendiri, tapi saya ngga nyesel memilih untuk menjadi anak rantau. Because once in your lifetime, you have to try to get out of your comfort zone. No matter how comfortable that is. That is the only way you know how capable you are to conquer the outside world. Kalau saya ngga merantau ke Jakarta, saya ngga akan tahu kalau saya bisa survive sampai sejauh ini, kalau saya yang dulunya cuek dan apatis ini bisa kerja di bidang HR yang people-oriented, kalau saya yang sering remidi ulangan matematika ini bisa mengolah data statistik yang cukup rumit as part of my job description, kalau saya yang paling ngantuk saat pelajaran komputer ini bisa bikin coding macro visual basic untuk sebuah aplikasi. The point is, you will never know what you are capable of until you're being pushed to do it.

Jadi, ketika sekarang saya merasa menemukan kembali zona nyaman saya, saya tahu sekaranglah saat saya bertanya kembali pada diri saya, apakah saya mau tetap tinggal di zona nyaman ini, atau kembali mencari kesempatan dan tantangan untuk bisa membuktikan diri saya? Bukan keputusan yang mudah memang ketika kita mau ambil resiko untuk keluar dari zona nyaman, tetapi saya lebih takut menyesal ketika saya melewatkan kesempatan di usia saya yang sekarang ini, because they say, we should be making many mistakes while we are young. 

Back to our topic, selamat buat temen-temen yang punya kesempatan merantau jauh dari orang tua dan jadi anak kos, I know it is hard at first, but it will get easier somehow. I am proud to be "Anak Kos" and you should be :)